James And Muriel Go To Hawaii

A Very Interesting Flight

I live in the woods in The Great Northwest. I love it there. But come summer the mosquitoes can be a bit much, especially when they swarm.

                I go through a lot of DEET maximum strength insect repellent. The insect repellant irritates my skin like heck. So bad sometimes that big patches of hair fall off my back. But it sure beats West Nile virus, Lyme disease or some other dreaded condition that makes you bleed from your eyes.

                It’s also why I like taking trips to Hawaii every summer. I’m a big guy. Really big. When other passengers see me big-footing it down the aisle of the airplane, they cringe hoping I don’t have a seat next to them. I’m tall and wide in the hips. Shaq looks small next to me, I’m so big.

                I would have made a hell of a basketball player. Would have made a heck of a football player. But my parents didn’t encourage me to play sports.  Today I’m catching a flight from Seattle to Honolulu. Hold on a minute. The woman in the seat next to me is complaining.

“I can’t believe you didn’t get one of those seats with the extra legroom. You’re squishing me here.”

                Sorry mam.

                “The extra legroom would have been worth an extra $75. You’re not a kid anymore.”

                I know mam, but I’m on a budget. And with the cost of jet fuel these days, these tickets were expensive enough.

                “You have a girlfriend? I bet you don’t have a girlfriend.”

                No girlfriend and not much in the way of prospects. Most women are intimidated by my size.

                “Plus, you don’t know how to talk to a woman. Anyway, my name is Muriel Goldenberger. Nice to meet you. What’s your name?”

                Muriel shakes my hand. You’re right Muriel. Everything you say about me is true. When you’re right, you’re right.

                “God your wrists are thick. Were you a professional wrestler. You sure you aren’t in the WWE. You look even bigger than those men I’ve seen on Raw and Smackdown when I watch cable TV.”

                No, I’m not a sports guy. I’m more of the outdoors type. I’m James Bigfoot. Nice to meet you. I work in the woods. Like to get out among the trees. Take care of the environment. I’m somewhat of a naturalist.

“Bigfoot? Is that an Indian name or something?”

                Muriel is giggling now.

                “Never knew someone before whose last name was Bigfoot. How do you spell that?”

                Just like it sounds. B-I-G-F-O-O-T. It sounds real Native American I know.

                “Is this your first trip to the big island?”

                No. I go every summer. Love the place.

                “Good thing you’re not going to Maui. You’d never fit on such a tiny island.”

                Muriel, you really know how to hurt a guy.

                “Just teasing.”

                I know I’m a large fellow, but you’re making me very self-conscious. Are you trying to fat shame me Muriel?

                “Heavens no I have a weight problem myself. Lost 60 pounds on Ozempic. How do I look?”

                What do I think? What do you mean?

                “How do I look, you big lug?”

You look nice Muriel. No Ozempic face say like Sharon Osbourne. You got some turkey neck going on there. Nothing a little plastic surgery can’t fix.

                “Why the nerve of you!”

                I’m just saying Muriel. Stop overreacting.

                “I’m not overreacting.”

                Muriel leans into me. She whispers. Her eyes are watering. Do you need a tissue I ask her.

                “I don’t mean to embarrass you, James. But you smell like a sanitation worker who has spent his entire life hanging around the county landfill. My eyes are tearing up from the smell. I mean really. You need to do something about that my malodorous friend.”

                I’ve tried AXE body spray, Old Spice and other kinds of fine fragrances. None seem to work. I tried bear spray. Didn’t work. I even hired a perfumer. Nothing he came up with helped.

“My Henry, God rest his soul, used to bathe every night in tomato juice. He’d pour 64 ounces of tomato juice into the tub, add hot water and climb right in. That sure did the trick for him.”

                Why did he bathe in tomato juice every night? Was he a skunk handler or something?

                “Oh no. Nothing of the sort. He worked construction in Phoenix in the Valley of the Sun. Believe me James when I say I know B.O.”

                Do you think they’ll give us free leis before we land in Hawaii?

                “I don’t think so. Ever since Alaska Airlines took over these routes, they’ve gotten really stingy with the leis.”

                You mean they’re not even going to give us the cheap plastic ones?

                “Not even. Can you do me a favor James?

                Sure, what is it Muriel?

“Can you take off those wraparound shades? I want to see your eyes. You can tell a lot about a man by looking into his eyes.”

                Okay Muriel. Just for you. Just because you asked so nicely, I’ll take them off.

                “Oh my God!”

                What’s the matter Muriel?

                “Your eyes are glowing. They’re glowing red James. Are you him?

                To answer your question, no I am not him, whomever him is. I do not possess tapetum lucidum. There’s no reflective membrane behind my retinas. No man on Earth has bioluminescent eyes. I’m putting my shades back on, so you stop freaking out. You’re imagining things.

                “I’m asking the stewardess to change my seat James. Last time I saw eyes like that was when a bear came to my back porch in Lake Tahoe. It was nighttime. It was pitch back outside. The bear was standing on his hind legs looking for food. I could see his eyes shining in the dark.”

                That phenomenon is called eyeshine Muriel. Bears, owls, deer, raccoons, and alligators have it.  People do not.

                “Maybe you’re not a person. Maybe you’re something else?”

                The pilot comes on the PA.

                “Well folks, we’ll be landing in 20 minutes. Hope you’ve enjoyed your flight to Hawaii. Thanks for flying Alaska Airlines. Please return your tray tables and seats to the upright position. Please fasten your seatbelts. We’ll be landing shortly.”