Opinion pieces

Waterfalls are beautiful. My favorite is Multnomah Falls in Oregon’s Columbia River Gorge. I think most folks love waterfalls. They are a wonder of nature. And so are the waterfalls at the desert middle school where I work doing campus security. How did they get that kind of aquatic feature on campus? It’s not like they had the budget to build one. Right now, I’m standing in the middle of what they call the quad. We have an open-air campus. The student

That’s A Awful Lot Of Cough Syrup. At the school where I work as a hall monitor, everywhere I turn I see teenagers wearing T-shirts with that phrase. I am drowning in a sea of middle school reprobates wearing shirts that say that. Why Lord why? And at the end of the school year, the Lord sayeth unto me, “Get with it Mr. Al. That’s A Awful Lot of Cough Syrup is a brand you dummy. “ “It is Lord?” I asketh as if I was in church. “It’s a highly

What follows is a work of fiction. All names, characters, incidents and dialogue are creations of the author’s imagination At the school where I work as a bouncer for sixth, seventh and eighth graders there’s this guy named Joel Fossil. He’s the misbehavior specialist at Todos Los Santos Middle School. He works in the misappropriately named Student Success Office. Yeah, that’s actually the guy’s name, Joel Fossil. With a name like that he’s definitely

We bring you this special edition of Mr. Al’s Wacky World of Weirdness from the Met Gala in New York City. The gala is held every year at the Costume Institute of the Metropolitan Museum of Art. People wear all kinds of crazy costumes to this event. That’s why I’m all dressed up. As a great lover of art and fashion, I am so happy to cover the Met Gala. And you thought I was just a beer and hot dog guy. I do it all folks. Afterall, I’ve got that 1970s p

If you were a middle school or high school student these days, you might have one of these rings. It’s a double-finger-fake-gold-plated-hundred-dollar-Hip Hop-ring. I think they look swell. Only old people use the word swell, not young people. The term swell as in we had a swell time is as outdated as I am. Some people refer to this kind of ring as a nugget ring. They are using the term interchangeably to refer to a number of rings including rings that look like they ac

Hello everybody. Good evening and welcome to The White House. We are here in this special 4,500-seat arena built on the lawn of The White House to bring you the fight of the century between Pope Leo and President Donald Trump. I’m your host Mauro Ranallo. I’m joined here with our experts, fight analyst Max Kellerman and former boxing champion Andre Ward. Netflix is streaming this event live around the world. Andre we go to you first. What are your thoughts about this fight

It’s the first day of the U.S. military action in Iran. Mr. Al goes to the Three Kegs Saloon to drown his sorrows. He meets a woman named Epic Fury. Ms. Fury asks Mr. Al if he’d like to accompany her on a vacation to sunny Tehran. Mr. Al politely declines as he stares at her cleavage. “But I hear the Strait of Hormuz is nice this time of year,” he tells her. “I always wanted to swim with the oil tankers.” Unbeknownst to Mr. Al at the time of his seduction by Epic Fury, a hi

Oh Kristi, I’d like to be Ken to your ICE Barbie. My lust for you is as big as an endless blue sky. From the moment I saw you in that TV commercial for Department of Homeland Security, I lost all control. You know the commercial Kristi. The one where you ride a horse with Mount Rushmore in the background. Your long brown hair flowing under your cowboy hat. The ultimate American fantasy. “You cross the border illegally, we’ll find you. Break our laws we’ll punish you.” Sex

Vinnie Pizzeria My name is Vinnie Pizzeria. No this ain’t a joke. That’s really my name. I got a pizza joint in the Belmont section of The Bronx. It’s where Dion and The Belmonts came from. Now I know you youngsters don’t know Dion and The Belmonts from prosciutto, but I do. At my joint we still serve pizza by the slice on wax paper. When you eat it, the orange oil created from the sauce and cheese runs off the wax paper. And if

If I were president of the United States of America, not king, not prince, not duke, not earl, I’d go to Minnesota. And the first thing I’d do is deport the entire starting lineup of the Minnesota Vikings. The Vikings are so bad, I’d outlaw football in Minnesota. And I’d prohibit the Minnesota Twins from signing Latino baseball players. Not a one. Not that I’m prejudiced or anything. And I’d name White House Border Czar Tom Homan manager of the Twins. We interrupt this blog

I just woke up. Still half asleep and dressed in nothing more than a green T-shirt and underwear. Try to control yourself ladies. I’m one of those people who believes climate change is very, very real. If that makes me a left wing radical nutjob, so be it. Go get the nutcracker. That’s why I’m launching right here and now, Mr. Al’s first ever Disheveled Woke Weather Report. Move over Al Roker. Get out of the way Rob Marciano. Fuggetaboutit Ginger Zee. Tune i

There aren’t any good Venezuelan restaurants inside the MDC Brooklyn where Venezuelan President Nicolas Maduro and his lawyer wife, Cilia Flores are locked up. I feel really bad for them. They’re used to the high life. They used to be very cosmopolitan. Now they’re in a place packed with lowlifes. Poor Nicolas Maduro. Poor Cilia Flores. I mean where are they going to get a good arepa? Those cornmeal pockets stuffed with meat are to die for. No pabellon criollo

SPECIAL REPORT: Mr. Al is bringing you this special report from the men’s room of a bar somewhere in Caracas, Venezuela. I am performing my monthly testicular self-exam and I’ve got to say my balls feel really good today. They’re producing lots of testosterone. That’s why I’m renaming them Donald and JD. I also hope Donald and JD (the real Donald and JD) in other words not my testicles know what that they’re doing with Venezuela.

Mr. Al’s pick for 2026 Woman of the Year is Congressional Representative Ilhan Omar. Hey, the new year is just upon us. But Ilhan is doing such a great job, I’m going to give her the award early. You know how you spell commitment. H-y-p-o-c-r-i-s-y. Keep up the good work Ilhan. Minnesota loves you. And I do too. Did you know that the state bird of Minnesota is the mosquito. Maybe the people of Minnesota suffer from some yet to be discovered mosquito borne dise

Welcome to Mr. Al’s first annual year ender bender. This a roundup of all the unimportant events of 2025. Kind of like an awards ceremony for the inconsequential. Mr. Al’s Transgender Person of the Year is Sarah McBride. Sara with an "H" at the end of her name. formerly known as Tim, is congresswoman for the State of Delaware. God Delaware, home of the most famous Delawarean ever, Joe Biden, is such a great state. Conservatives feel free to

Beware: What follows is a story about family, football and CeeDee Lamb's teeth. It’s Thanksgiving and we’re watching the Dallas Cowboys play the Kansas City Chiefs. It’s a great football game. My wife, Brenda, has made her famous arroz and gandules. Her grown son, Raydel, has turned the green beans into a culinary delight. The turkey is moist. Everything is perfect. The game is in the fourth quarter when the camera man captures a closeup