Welcome To Mr. Al's Disheveled Woke Weather Report

I just woke up. Still half asleep and dressed in nothing more than a green T-shirt and underwear. Try to control yourself ladies. I’m one of those people who believes climate change is very, very real. If that makes me a left wing radical nutjob, so be it. Go get the nutcracker.

                That’s why I’m launching right here and now, Mr. Al’s first ever Disheveled Woke Weather Report. Move over Al Roker. Get out of the way Rob Marciano. Fuggetaboutit Ginger Zee. Tune in to me. I’m the one who really knows what’s going on in the weather.

                I’ve got more hot air than The Weather Channel. I’m your manic meteorologist. Let’s get started.

                Things are heating up in Minneapolis because of the recent ice storm. Man, if I could get away with it, I’d deport the weather in Minneapolis. And north of the United States Donald Trump wants Greenland. Greenland was discovered by Viking explorer Erik The Red.

In perhaps the greatest example of false advertising, Erik named his discovery Greenland. There is very little about Greenland that is actually green.  The name was a big lie used by Erik to attract settlers. In reality about 80 percent of the country is covered in what is known as the Greenland Ice Sheet. Erik The Red was no blond. He was one crafty Viking.

                Greenland was a much better name than Freeze-Your-Balls-Off, if you catch my snowdrift. So, Erik went with it. While the country may soon be home to Mar-a-Lago Club Greenland, the weather there remains harsh. My prediction is Greenlanders are in for a rough winter.

                And in case you’re planning a family vacation to Greenland, Viking Cruises can take you there and you don’t have to worry about Erik The Red chopping off your head.

                Maybe if Erik The Red had exercised a little more foresight back in the year 982 and named the place Trumpland, he could have attracted more settlers and ensured the future of the country.

The weather in Israel has also been unpredictable the last couple of years. Hamas can attack Israel until the camels come home. Did I just say something politically incorrect just now? How insensitive on my part. Was that a micro or macro aggression? My prediction is it’s going to rain matzoh ball soup in Israel for the rest of the year.

                In Tehran a change in the weather has brought in thick hummus clouds which makes it really tough for our spy satellites… I mean weather satellites, to get a clear picture of what’s taking place on the ground as protesters take to the streets. I love Ali Khameni, the Supreme Leader of Iran. What a guy. That black turban he wears symbolizes his status as a descendant of the prophet Muhammad.        

The Supreme Leader told me he traced his lineage on Ancestry.com. I wonder if he still has the 50 percent off membership. Maybe he’d let me use it, if his people don’t hang him. There’s lots of unrest in Iran over the economy and you thought inflation here was bad. It’s nothing compared to Iran. And the pita bread over there costs an arm and a leg.

                With the thick hummus over Tehran, the only way President Trump will be able to attack the Supreme Leader is with falafel bombs. Deep fried balls of ground chickpeas, crispy on the outside…nice and soft on the inside are the way to go when the weather isn’t cooperating.

                In North Korea it’s been unseasonably warm this winter. Even the kimchi is getting hotter. Who knows? Maybe the icy attitude towards the United States, of Kim Jong Un, Supreme Leader of North Korea, will start to defrost. I have a thing for Supreme Leaders.

And in my neck of the woods in Las Vegas we’re expecting a cold night. Temperatures will drop below freezing. My wife is having me wrap myself in burlap before she puts me outside with the cactus. The burlap should keep me alive. Talk about getting the cold shoulder.

                Now it’s a little early to predict how many more weeks of winter we’re looking at. We usually wait until February to do that.

                On February 2 each year in Pennsylvania, if Punxsutawney Phil, the most famous groundhog in the world, sees his shadow and returns to his shelter, he has predicted six more weeks of brutal winter weather. Here in Las Vegas, Mr. Al plays a similar role to Punxsutawney Phil and I’m not even a groundhog. Just a two-legged weasel. If Mr. Al emerges from his backyard hutch and does not see his shadow and his wife lets him back in the house, it means an early spring and a thawing in marital relations throughout the U.S.

                This event is not some light-hearted suspension of disbelief. Mr. Al has been doing this since 1887. Which come to think of it makes me 139 years young. I’ve got a long way to go yet. A lot of Disheveled Woke Weather Reports to do in the days and years ahead.

                If you’re going outside, be sure to dress for the weather. And if you call in sick, I’m going to tell your boss you’re faking it.

PS – I think they should have named Iceland…Greenland and Greenland…Iceland.  Afterall, Iceland has the world famous Blue Lagoon and lots of green spaces and rocks that contain spirits. And since no one is asking I thought I’d share that with you.