If Mr. Al Were President Of The USA

If I were president of the United States of America, not king, not prince, not duke, not earl, I’d go to Minnesota.

And the first thing I’d do is deport the entire starting lineup of the Minnesota Vikings. The Vikings are so bad, I’d outlaw football in Minnesota. And I’d prohibit the Minnesota Twins from signing Latino baseball players. Not a one. Not that I’m prejudiced or anything. And I’d name White House Border Czar Tom Homan manager of the Twins.

We interrupt this blog to bring you breaking news.

Mr. Al takes you now to Tom Holman's wife, Elizabeth.

"How are you Mrs. Holman?"

"Oh I'm great Mr. Al."

"Do you think your husband can straighten up the immigration mess in Minneapolis?"

"Hold on Mr. Al. I want to catch Tom before he heads out the door for Minneapolis. Tom did you take out the trash? And did you change the lightbulb in the bedroom?"

"Yes dear."

"And when are you going to take down the Christmas lights Tom? I've been asking you to take them down for a month now. You just never get things done around here."

"Sorry Elizabeth. I'll take down the Christmas lights when I get back from Minneapolis. The president needs me there."

"Before you go Tom. There's one more thing. I had to let our housekeeper Lupe go."

"Why Elizabeth?"

" Well she's undocumented Tom and you're Trump's border czar. She doesn't have papers."

"Jeez Elizabeth, I wish you had told me sooner. Now it's too late for me to fix her immigration status. And who's going to clean our house. Lord knows you won't."

"Tom just go."

"Sorry Mr. Al, I have to go. I have to find a new housekeeper. This time I think I'll get someone from El Salvador."

There you have it folks. Tom Homan is headed to Minneapolis. And his wife is mad he hasn't taken down the Christmas lights.

Now back to my presidential fantasy. In the summer, I’d go on an extermination campaign. We need to wipe out the state bird of Minnesota, namely the mosquito.

Furthermore, as your president, I would open a giant internment camp for people not born in the U.S. Like we did with Japanese Americans citizens during World War Two when there was absolutely no evidence they were disloyal.

And I would call the internment camp North Dakota. That’s right, I’d make the entire state a gigantic prison for undesirables. I’d build a wall around the whole of North Dakota. I’d have Mexico pay for it. North Dakota is a neighboring state to Minnesota.

And to keep the environmentalists happy, I’d fill all the lakes in Minnesota with cement. That way the state would never again be known as “The Land of 10,000 Lakes.”

As your president I would sign into law a bill prohibiting temperatures below 32 degrees.

Now don’t get me wrong. Some of America’s foremost role models used to hang out in Minnesota.

John Dillinger, the infamous bank robber, hid in St. Paul in the 1930s. Baby Face Nelson, who helped Dillinger escape from prison operated in the Minneapolis-St. Paul area just like Immigration & Customs Enforcement. He was cold as ICE too.

Alvin “Creepy” Karpis and The Barker Gang committed a whole bunch of kidnappings and robberies in The North Star State as well. Machine Gun Kelly, my all-time favorite gangster, liked to hang out there.

Now can you imagine if you had a sports team comprised of John Dillinger, Baby Face Nelson, Alvin “Creepy” Karpis and The Barker Gang, Machine Kelly along with the entire Jesse James-Colton Younger Gang, which also spent time in Minnesota.

What if you put all those fellas against Immigration & Customs Enforcement in say a city like Minneapolis. And let’s say you had a double overtime sudden death shootout with ICE. Who do you think would win?

My money is on the good guys. They’d definitely kick some ICE ass. ICE would turn tail and head for the state line. That is, if they weren’t snowed in.

As president, not king, not prince, not duke, not earl, I would also order the use of road salt on the faces of all ICE agents. Afterall, that’s only fair. Road salt is a good DE-ICER. I notice many ICE agents like to wear a tight-fitting balaclava over their face when they work. I don’t think the road salt would upset their delicate skincare routines. Who knows the road salt might make them prettier.

POSTSCRIPT: Mr. Al in no way advocates violence. He just asks the same question that Elvis Costello did. Whatever happened to peace, love and understanding.