Las Vegas Needs A Socialist Mayor

I live in Las Vegas, the desert capital of capitalism. As such, I believe Las Vegas cannot survive without a socialist mayor. You know like they have in New York City and Seattle.

            Socialist mayors. They’re the latest rage. Spread the wealth like cream cheese on a bagel. I’m all for it. Think Zohran Mamdani. He wants you, the little guy, to take a big bite out of the Big Apple. Then there’s Seattle’s Katie Wilson, who describes herself as a Democratic Socialist. Wonder if she drinks Starbucks, or if she prefers a Bolshevik barista?

            Janeese Lewis won the Democratic Primary for mayor of Washington DC and is expected to win the general election in the heavily Democratic city come November. That would make her the third Democratic Socialist of a major American city. Maybe I can be the fourth.

Stalin Partying In His Grave

How come you never hear about a Republican Socialist? Because that would be a political oxymoron, you moron. 

            I bet my favorite socialist of all-time, Joseph Stalin, is giggling right now in his Socialist Authoritarian grave doing the Kazotsky and drinking vodka and shouting nastrovia!

            The Kazotsky is that dance you’ve seen in old black and white movies where the guy’s squatting like he’s trying to pinch out a loaf and kicking out his legs at the same time. That’s not easy for a Democrat to do, no matter how progressive and politically limber they are. Republicans know better than to try that dance. They’re not about to change their branding.

            Where’s a drunk 15^th century Cossack when you need one? Probably running for mayor somewhere.

            That Stalin…such a kidder…what a jokester. Wonderful man. Millions died at his hands. The gulags were great comedy.

I wonder if Donald Trump will have Janeese Lewis Over to the White House for dinner. They could have Uber Eats bring McDonald’s. Now that’s class. Almost as classy as having UFC cage fights on the South Lawn of the White House.

            I think socialism would go over really well with the casino bosses in Las Vegas. I just know it. You know what I mean, comrade. Especially, if they collectivized the casinos. Kind of like socialized-compulsive-irresponsible-degenerate-problem-gambling. I mean who wouldn’t be in favor of something like that. Think of the common good.

            As mayor of Las Vegas, I will give everybody everywhere free access to everything and make everyone else pay for it by raising taxes and figuring out how to pay for it later. We could give smelly homeless people free hotel rooms.

            I’ll also bring the buffets back to all the casinos and make them free.

God bless you all. And God bless socialism. Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for universal socialism. Now there’s a rallying cry, if America ever had one.

            Like Willie Nelson never said, my heroes have always been commies. My favorite hero of all time is Karl Marx. Old Karl used the terms communist and socialist interchangeably.

            I wonder if Karl changed the tire on his horse-drawn carriage himself, or if he had a member of the proletariat do it for him. Just wondering out loud.

            Then there’s everyone’s favorite socialist, Mao Zedong. I asked Beavis and Butthead what they think of Mao. I can tell you they dig him.

            “Heh. Heh Heh,” Beavis says.

            “He said dong. Get it. Mao Zedong. Heh. Heh. Heh,” Butthead says.

            And who could forget Mao’s Little Red Book which Beavis and Butthead carry with them all the time. What a bedtime story for the kids.

            And last but not least, the chairman of the board, the undefeated mastermind behind the world’s most unsuccessful socialist state… ladies and gentlemen and fight fans around the  world… let’s hear it for Russia’s Vladimir Lenin (not to be confused with The Beatles John Lennon.) I tell you socialism is great.