Dubai Chocolate Tastes Like Poopy Water

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The most overhyped candy of the year has to be Dubai chocolate.

            When Paul Ponytail, manager at the Circle K convenience store I go to, told Mr. Al don’t waste your money on a Dubai chocolate bar… get a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup instead, it was sound advice.

            But the whole Dubai chocolate phenomenon continued to haunt me.  A drug dealer, who was trying to get me hooked on the stuff, gave me a little taste. He figured once I got hooked, I’d be buying the stuff from him all the time. He was so wrong.

            Paul Ponytail was right. A Reese’s Peanut Butter Cop is way better. Way better.

            Dubai chocolate is allegedly a “premium” chocolate shell filled with a pistachio-sesame paste and toasted, shredded philo dough. Sounds complicated, doesn’t it. Too complicated for my palate.

            My provincial world view is this. They only have two things in the Middle East… oil and camels. Things like chocolate should be left in the hands of chocaholics, God damn it.

            Dubai chocolate costs upwards of $20 a bar. I’ve heard of some bars going for $50 depending on the manufacturer. It isn't even made with gold flakes. Imagine that. I’d rather eat a bar of soap.

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Dubai is in the United Arab Emirates where the fine chocolate was invented at the request of a lady who asked a pastry chef to come up with something new for her. The year was 2021 and as world events indicate, it has all been downhill ever since.

            Dude, I’d way rather have a Kinder Bueno bar and indulge in its delicate thin wafer filled with sweet hazelnut cream and coated with tasty milk chocolate, then judiciously coated with an even tastier drizzle of dark chocolate.

            I religiously attend my Chocaholics Anonymous meetings, but I still fall off the wagon regularly. And then I have to go to even more meetings.

            Kinder Bueno bars are like cocaine. They go straight to my brain. Dubai chocolate by comparison tastes like poopy water. And yes. I know what you are thinking. Yes, I have tasted poopy water. I used to live in Flint, Michigan.

            Having tasted Dubai chocolate, I vow to never visit the UAE. Unless of course, they want to make me part of the authoritarian monarchy and give me the greenlight to commit daily human rights abuses and enact repressive laws.

            Dubai is the largest city in the UAE. It is increasingly identified with its world famous confection.

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The UAE is a place of great wonder. It is home to the Burj Khalifa, the world’s tallest building. It is three times taller than the Eiffel Tower. Twice the height of the Empire State Building. In the interests of full disclosure, the Burj Khalifa is no relation to Lebanese pornstar Mia Khalifa. I like Mia better.

            You know how they say good food is like good sex. Let me put it to you this way. Eating a KitKat bar is like kissing Megan Fox. Eating a piece of Dubai chocolate is like French kissing a wildebeest with bad breath.

            Dubai chocolate is one of the greatest frauds perpetrated on mankind. My blood is Red, White and Blue. I’ll take Hershey, Pennsylvania over Dubai and the UAE every day of the week.

            I bet the air in Dubail doesn’t even smell like chocolate like it does in Hershey. Dubai chocolate is subversive and anyone who eats it ought to be investigated by the House Committee on Un-American activities.

            Dubai chocolate is an infamous, immoral and notorious perversion of the cacao tree. Please join me on my quest to save the world from the real enemy. Dubai chocolate.