Turd Fishing In America With Mr. Al

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I recently went trout fishing near the outflow site of the wastewater treatment plant at Lake Mead. The problem was, the only thing I caught that day were turds.

Have you ever tried pulling a fish hook out of a turd without gloves? Like politics, it’s absolutely disgusting.

There were Republican turds. Democratic turds, Socialist turds. MAGA turds, Libertarian turds. Independent turds.  With all these turds in the water, no wonder I didn’t catch a single fish.

The reason I picked this spot to fish is the effluent. It’s rich in nutrients and the water is warmer. Both of which are supposed to attract fish.

While I was warned about eating the fish from this spot, I’m not too worried about the chemical and bacterial contaminants.

I’ve eaten shit my whole life basically at every job I’ve had. When I worked as a legal assistant, the lawyers served me up two helpings of the stuff every day. You never realize just how many types of turds there are in the world until you go fishing at a place like this.

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I’ve seen white turds, brown turds, Black turds, Latino turds. Christian turds. Muslim turds. One of the Muslim turds was wearing a hijab. I think she was a female from Turdistan, who somehow ended up in the water out here.

Better call ICE. I think she's in the country illegally. They'd be happy to have her deported. She told me her hijab signifies her inner sense of privacy and devotion to God.

I also found a Jewish turd in the water. I knew that, because he was wearing a yarmulke on his head. He told me he wore it as a sign of his reverence and awareness of God.

Since observant Arabs and Jews like to display their reverence for the Almighty for all the world to see, why do they hate each other so much.

I never thought of turds as being religious. Apparently, they are. Now I know you are not going to believe this, because I couldn’t believe it. There was also an albino turd body surfing. He said the other turds didn’t accept him because he looked way different than them.

Poor guy was ostracized by his fellow turds. How wrong is that. You never know where you’re going to encounter persecution. It’s everywhere. Poor guy was out there body surfing all by himself when I spotted him.

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I did see one largemouth bass while I was out there. He had a mouth as big as the president's. His fin looked like the president’s hair too. That’s a weird look for a fish.

Our country is going to hell. So is the fishing. There’s been a 20-year drought in The West. The worst ever. The water level at Lake Mead is at an all-time low. The fishing ain’t what it used to be.

I wanted to take President Trump fishing with me and write an article about my experiences titled “Trout Fishing With The Terminator.” Now I can’t even do that.

The fishing has been so bad, I've decided to do something about it. I'm going to run for president.

Yup. That's right folks. And I promise to pay each of you $5,000, if I win. I'm not on the ballot, so you're going to have to write-in my name, Mr. Al. Make sure you spell it right.

Don't worry about me paying you, even if I filed for bankruptcy last month. I can always pay you in turds. I have access to an abundant supply of them. Failing that, I can do what politicians are famous for. Leave you the taxpayers of America footing the bill.

Now if any of you want to join me on my next fishing trip, I’d be happy to save a spot for you. But you have to put the bait on the hook yourself. And if you catch a turd, that’s your problem. Just like in politics when the candidate you vote for, turns out to be a (guess what).