The Chronicles Of Mr. Al

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It’s been hotter this summer in Las Vegas than it is on Crematoria, where I was born.

Crematoria is that planet Vin Diesel ends up in the movie, “The Chronicles Of Riddick.” Believe me it’s a real place.

In the movie, Riddick wears these funny-looking swimming goggles even though there is hardly any high-quality H2O anywhere. Kind of like the Mohave Desert, come to think of it. The only thing even remotely resembling water on Crematoria are the sweaty bodies of the people there.

That’s how it’s been on the blacktop of the school where I work as a campus security monitor. It’s a middle school called Todos Los Santos. In Spanish the name of the school means All The Saints. I haven’t found a single saint there yet.

In my day they referred to the blacktop as the schoolyard. Admin and support staff hate going out on the blacktop during A and B lunch, but they have to. It’s their job.

It has been so hot this August I saw a kid named Keith Nutsweat turn to molten rock playing basketball. Keith threw up a couple of bricks while trying to perfect his jump shot. I never saw a kid turn to molten rock on Crematoria when I was growing up.

Some people as they say, just can’t take the heat. What’s a little hot weather. Out on the blacktop today it’s not one degree over 150 Fahrenheit.

Yesterday, I put one sixth-grader under a magnifying glass. He burned up like an ant. Poor kid. I don’t think his parents miss him. No one has said anything about him.

I emailed Vin Diesel. I asked him to send me a pair of those goggles he wore in the movie. I haven’t heard back from him. I think Vin is too busy to respond. It’s tough being a movie star. I don’t think Vin Diesel is his real name. It’s too cool to be somebody’s real name. I need the goggles so my retinas don’t burn up during lunch duty. That’s how hot it gets out here.

I guess I’m weird because I like lunch duty. I enjoy working up a good sweat. One thing about being in the Desert Southwest in the summer… you can never find an ice castle when you really need one.

Though I must say the living-uninfected on “The Walking Dead” TV show look way sweatier and miserable than anyone on Crematoria as far as I remember. I think I’d rather be a zombie than a living-uninfected, because zombies don’t sweat. They just eat people.

I have experienced a few 8^th graders, who after playing B-ball in the hot sun are more malodorous than a zombie with decaying, putrid flesh and rotten green teeth.

All of this is just my way of saying I love global warming. Peace out Earthlings. Being cool is overrated. Just ask Bruno Mars. He knows all about being cool. He's the coolest guy on the planet.