To Danny Phan, Thanks For Everything!

            I’ve been everywhere man, even Chinatown. And I can’t find any place that sells bird’s nest soup.

A Delicious Bowl Of Bird's Nest Soup

            The last time I had a good bowl of bird’s nest soup was during the Ming Dynasty. That was the time the emperor had me over for dinner. He had his servants go out in search of cave-dwelling swiftlet birds.

            I had no idea that birds spit. I thought only hookers did that. The swiftlets use their spit to build their nests. No twigs. No leaves. Just spit. The saliva hardens into a translucent white cup that the birds use as a nest. And when I was over at the emperor’s palace 400 years ago, I came to find out they use the nests as a base for the soup. Crazy.

            Bird’s nest soup is considered a delicacy. Next time President Trump is in China (or Chi-nuh as he likes to pronounce it), I think he should settle his differences with Xi Jinping over a bowl of bird’s nest soup. I’ll bring the saltines.

            Bird’s nest soup has a very mild taste despite its disgusting origins. The texture is gelatinous and slippery. The swiftlets' saliva is neutral. You can have it seasoned to your liking. Even have it as a dessert with a Twinkie.

President Trump And Chinese President Xi Jinping Diving Into A Bowl Of Soup

People who like bird’s nest soup, say it’s to die for. Why I think if President Trump, who is a McDonalds kind of guy, shared a bowl with Xi Jinping, the Chinese president would make our president an honorary member of the CCP. CCP is an acronym for the Chinese Communist Party.

            In the school cafeteria where I work, where they make me wear a hairnet even though I’m bald as a basketball, we do not have the budget to send staff all the way to Chi-nuh to search the caves for swiftlets. So instead, we make the treasured soup from the nests of the pigeons who frequent our campus.

            The kids seem to love it. We haven’t told them about the pigeon saliva yet.

            Real bird’s nest soup, not the pigeon’s nest stuff we have at school, costs about $100 a bowl. It’s so costly because of the dangers associated with harvesting the nests from cave walls and the undersides of scary cliffs.  

Yakuza Bird's Nest Soup

Before the nests are sold for consumption, they are carefully soaked. Feathers are removed. They even remove the bird feces for you. How thoughtful.

            In some places, like Myanmar, Viet Nam and Indonesia, some families turn their upstairs rooms into swiftlet rookeries. The swiftlets build their nests. The families sell their nests to soup connoisseurs. That’s what I call working from home. Nice side hustle.

            Now Danny Phan, the Information Technology wizard at the school where I work, loves bird’s nest soup. And Danny tells me his mother says the soup is good for your complexion. After hearing about the health benefits of bird’s nest soup, I renewed my search for some.

            I ended up at this underground bird’s nest soup spot in Chi-nuh-town. The soup was indeed to die for. However, the owners of this underground operation became quite irate when I started applying the soup directly to my face.

A Bird's Nest Soup Facial

Two men who were missing their pinky fingers tossed me out the door.

            “Don’t come back round eye.”

            “But Danny Phan’s mother told Danny to make sure to tell me that bird’s nest soup is good for the complexion. That’s why…”

            “Are you guys Yakuza,” I asked.

            “Stupid round eye,” was all they said.

            When I told Danny what happened with the guys with the missing pinky fingers, Danny chuckled.

            “No Mr. Al,” Danny said. “The soup is good for your complexion when you eat it. The soup has many health benefits, so they say. The two men with the missing pinky fingers could be Yakuza. I wouldn’t go back to that place If I were you. They may have had to cut off their pinky fingers as an act of allegiance to their boss.”

            “Maybe so. Maybe so,” I said.

            “One other thing Mr. Al.”

            “What’s that Danny?”

            “Bird’s nest soup is M’m! M’m! Good!”

            “I thought Campbell’s soup was M’m! M’m! Good!”

            “Next time don’t piss off the Yakuza and the soup will taste even better,” Danny said.

"But Danny I used good manners. I used my soup spoon as a facial applicator."

Not A Snowball's Chance In Hell

Now as far as the Canadians are concerned, I’ve advised President Trump I don’t think they’re going to break soup with you even if it is bird’s nest soup which is currently going for $138 a bowl. With tariffs the cost for a bowl of the stuff, could hit the $200 mark.

            “Mr. President, you and Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carney are going to have to find something else other than bird’s nest soup to settle your differences. Maybe you could have a winner-takes-it-all snowball fight. Or, instead of breaking bread, you could have a contest to see who can eat more yellow snow.”

            I could see the president and the prime minister bonding over a gallon of Moose Tracks, but not the ice cream kind.

            As for me, I can’t wait to try my next bowl of bird’s nest soup. Maybe Danny will go with me for a bowl.