THE STORY OF JOEL FOSSIL

            What follows is a work of fiction. All names, characters, incidents and dialogue are creations of the author’s imagination

At the school where I work as a bouncer for sixth, seventh and eighth graders there’s this guy named Joel Fossil. He’s the misbehavior specialist at Todos Los Santos Middle School. He works in the misappropriately named Student Success Office.

            Yeah, that’s actually the guy’s name, Joel Fossil. With a name like that he’s definitely headed for extinction. He’s a great guy who’s always talking smack. Guess that’s why I like him so much.

            I’m kind of his sidekick. Sometimes I have to help him when the kids misbehave. As long as my health holds up and don't have a mental meltdown, or the school district doesn't cut the budget some more, I’ll always have a job. Misbehaving kids spell job security.

            Joel will probably print out this story and put it on his wall. Joel suspends kids from our school because they’re way younger than him. Just capping bruh.

He suspends them when they fight, bully and harass. He suspends them for popping their zits in class and eating them. He suspends them when they break school property like the custodians’ electric cart. The one they use to take the trash to the dumpsters. Imagine having a job where you have to chase kids out of a bathroom that smells like a Death Fart.

            Some kids like to descend in mass numbers on neighborhood convenience and discount stores to steal. Other kids hone their hand-to-eye coordination stealing cars then crash them, because they haven’t learned to drive yet. That’s when they usually run away and take the police on a foot pursuit.

            We had one student who used to throw foot-long gobs of spit at teachers and students. I think she has an overactive salivary gland. 

Kids are always calling each other the “N” word.

            Other kids get so drunk the paramedics are called to campus. Others vape nicotine. Others THC. They don’t even need a match. The vapes use a small battery that heats a coil that vaporizes an e-liquid that creates an inhalable mist. God, you got to love technology. It’s making the world a better place.

            If we used Artificial Intelligence to create students, they’d be better behaved, but that would take all the fun out of school. And eventually the AI kids would learn to be as bad as the real kids because the real kids would school them on bad behavior.

            Though when the AI kids fell chasing each other or bashing their BFF in the face, they’d ooze some kind of internal yellow electronic goop instead of real blood.

            Dealing with all the abovementioned behaviors would fossilize any adult. And like Joel Fossil, I too am the last of my kind… a throwback to an ancient past. My name is Al Neanderthal. Have a great summer everybody.