Mr. Al's Guide To Staying Forever Young

          If you were a middle school or high school student these days, you might have one of these rings. It’s a double-finger-fake-gold-plated-hundred-dollar-Hip Hop-ring. I think they look swell. Only old people use the word swell, not young people.     

The term swell as in we had a swell time is as outdated as I am. Some people refer to this kind of ring as a nugget ring. They are using the term interchangeably to refer to a number of rings including rings that look like they actually have a gold nugget on top.

         This is an important piece of information here. So, get with it baby boomers. Now the part kids don’t tell you about is that the fake-hundred-dollar-Hip Hop-ring also doubles as a set of youthful brass knuckles in case you get in a fight, start a fight or want to impress the rest of the guys or your girlfriend, that is if you’re cool enough to have a girlfriend.

                These rings are properly subversive. I think all senior citizens should wear one for self-defense. You can pick one up online for less than $10.

Another item that has become a fashion statement is the pimple patch. Now if you’re my age, you’re probably way past puberty and visit the urologist regularly. Now, when I was an adolescent, even when I was a teenager, if I had a pimple I would pop it. Splatter that white gooey mess on the bathroom mirror. Maybe coat it with a schmear of Clearasil. You can also put a schmear of cream cheese on a bagel. But never put a schmear of Clearasil on a bagel.

         You probably haven’t used Clearasil since your high school prom. But guess what? They still sell it.

          But you would be way hipper if you wore a strategic array of pimple patches. They make them in a wide range of colors. Gold, blue, even black. Black would match your tuxedo if you’re going to your granddaughter’s wedding and would complete your ensemble. You could even match your pimple patch to your cummerbund – that sash you wear with your tuxedo.

                Pimple patches are properly subversive.

If you were a middle school or high school kid, you’d eat spicy chips, the hotter… the better. Recommended brands are Takis, Turbos Flamas, Flamin’ Hot Crunchy Cheetos, and please don’t forget to wear a flame-retardant suit when you eat them. You’re definitely going to burn your mouth. You might want to wash it down with a nice vanilla wasabi frappe.

           You might also enjoy spicy chicken in all forms. I recently spotted some Korean-Fried-Chicken-WTF-Ice-Cream at Albertsons supermarket. I didn’t buy any. But if you find some at your supermarket, you can pack it in dry ice and ship it to your favorite enemy.

Spicy chips are properly subversive.

                The other item you must get, if you want to be as cool as a middle school kid is one of those high-speed electric scooters.  These scooters depending on the model can easily surpass 25 mph. I don’t know if it’s true, but I’ve heard some can go up to 80 mph.

                Now I don’t know this personally, mostly because I’m too chickenshit and not-skilled- enough-not-batshit-crazy-enough to drive one. But if you want to break a hip or something, I highly recommend getting an E-scooter.

E-scooters are properly subversive in my book, which if you haven’t read yet, I suggest you buy. I need the money.

          If you’re female, you need to start sporting  “unbuttoned jeans.”  All the slutty, I mean fashionable young ladies are unbuttoning their jeans these days.

           Some even undo the top of the zipper, if their mothers let them get away with it, or wait until after they’ve left the house. It creates a relaxed-low-rise look that drives the male species insane. Kylie Jenner pulled off this look to great effect at Coachella. I didn’t go to Coachella, so I didn’t see this look on Kylie personally. I asked Kylie to go with me to the music festival. She demurely declined.

          This low-rise-unbuttoned jean look is properly subversive and drives schoolboys, college boys, graduate students, young professionals, retired men and two-legged pigs like me insanely wild. Plus, it’s a time-saver. You don’t have to unsnap the top button to get where you want to be.

          The last item I really-really-really-super-really recommend you get to be cool in capital letters C-O-O-L, are a pair of Heelys. Heelys are those wheeled sneakers with the wheels that light up. You’ve seen kids wearing them. You just didn’t know what they were called.  Doesn’t matter if you’re male or female, you need a pair of Wheelys. It’s like experiencing the Northern Lights on your footwear without being high on drugs. If you fall, rolling over to the senior center, that’s on you.

           Guess what? Heelys are properly subversive.

            You also need a pair of True Religion shorts to complement your True Religion T-shirt.  True Religion uses the Buddha symbol for their logo.  They also have a horseshoe logo. It’s supposed to be the Buddha’s smile. But to me it looks like a horseshoe.  Then again, I’m old.  Stay properly subversive people and you will stay forever young.