Mr. Al Gets A Face Tattoo

Nothing Like A Good Face Tattoo

Here I am sitting in the chair at a shop called The Painful Needle getting my first tattoo. I hate tattoos, so I thought I’d get over my misgivings by getting a facial tattoo.

            Ouch. Damn. This shit hurts.

            “Shut up motherfucker,” the tattoo artist tells me. “You’re a wimp. I’d say you’re a pussy, but that’s my favorite part of the female anatomy and I hold it in high esteem.”

            ZZZZZZzzzzzzz goes the buzz of the tattoo gun.

            “You’re an ignorant fuck. Professionals don’t call it a tattoo gun. It’s my machine man, my iron.”

            I’m not enjoying the way this needle is piercing my skin as the ink flows in.

            “What’s your name by the way,” I ask.

            “Charlie. Charlie Blueface.”

            “Wow what a name. Love the swastika on your forehead.”

            Ouch. Shit. Ahhh that hurts.

            “Don’t press so hard. Don’t I know you from somewhere.”

            “Not if you haven’t been to San Quentin.”

            “It’s alright I love the Aryan Warriors.”

            “Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Stop hurting me.”

            “Stop talking and I may let you walk out of here.”

            Guess I’ll keep my thoughts to myself the rest of the way. Like I say I don’t even like tattoos. Of course, if you have face tattoos, it reduces the chances of being abducted by aliens. They don’t want specimens that have been marked up. That’s what I read on social media anyway. Plus people with face tattoos scare small children and pets.

            When I think of tattoos, I think of pirates. And when I think of pirates I think of Johnny Depp as Jack Sparrow in the Pirates of The Caribbean movies. And he doesn’t have any face tattoos, at least none that I remember. I also think of Keith Richards of The Rolling Stones. Keith looks like a pirate. I don’t think he has any facial tattoos either.

            I am intimidated when I see a person with a face tattoo. I think that’s why a lot of guys get them. When you’re in prison, the meaner and crazier you look, the smaller the chance of someone messing with you. Facial tattoos are often associated with gangs and criminals.

            When I was a kid. The only place you’d see facial markings was on the face of a Berber or a Bedouin in National Geographic Magazine.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzz goes the buzz of the tattoo machine.

            “Hey buddy you want me to do a teardrop under your eye while I’m at it,” Charlie asks me.

            “You mean like the one you have.”

            “Yeah.”

            “Where’d you get yours.”

            “Prison.”

            “Does it mean anything.”

            “Yeah.”

            “What.”

            “The guy I killed.”

            ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzz goes the machine.

            Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, I scream.

            “Stop moving!”

            “I will, if you stop torturing me.”

            “Should have thought about that before. Too late to stop now.”

            In ancient Rome escaped slaves were given face tattoos after they were recaptured. It was part of their punishment. Personally, I think the acceptance of extreme body art is a reflection of our society as we become increasingly warlike and tribal in our attitudes, politics and treatment of one another.

            Nowadays if someone cuts you off in traffic, odds are they’ll flip you off. Drive the speed limit and they might pull out a gun and shoot you.

            Facial art can also be a way to hide. Or a way to shout to the world, HEY LOOK AT ME GOD DAMN IT.

            The hip-hop world is big on face tattoos. A lot of rappers have face tattoos. Gucci Mane, Post Malone, Rick Ross, Wiz Khalifa, 6ix9ine and a whole bunch of others. Lil Wayne wouldn’t be Lil Wayne without his face tattoos.

            Man, they had to get good at rapping. No one was going to hire them with all that ink on their face.

            Tattoos continue to grow in popularity. But I haven’t seen any middle school kids yet with their faces all marked up. Seen plenty with their arms tatted. I’ve seen teachers with tattoos. But none on their educated faces.

I once went out with a woman who had the phrase “KISS ME” posted on the inside of her bottom lip. She told me she did it herself with the sharpened end of a toothbrush. We never went out again after she showed me that.

            When I was a kid, mostly the only people you saw with tattoos were old sailors and soldiers. That was long before the body became a canvas.

            Iron Mike Tyson made face tattoos famous when he got his tribal tattoo in 2003. We all thought he was batshit crazy at the time. Turns out the world- famous fighter was ahead of his time.  Who knew he had the Mona Lisa of face tattoos.

            ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzz goes Charlie’s machine.

            AAAAaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeee goes my scream.

            “I told you to sit still dumbass,” Charlie screams.

            “God damn you Charlie. You just put the needle through my cheek!”

            “Sit still. Stop your whining. I’m trying to create art here.”

            For some people, face ink is an improvement. That’s what I’m hoping.

All I am saying is give tattoos a chance. There might be a nice person like Charlie under all those face tattoos. Maybe even your next babysitter.

            “All done.”

            Charlie hands me a mirror. I look at my face.

            “Wow Charlie this tattoo came out real spiritual.”

            The great American image of the golden arches of McDonalds smiles at me.

“I like it. Good job Charlie. Can you biggie-size it. I want to get a Starbucks tattoo next.”