Don't Bother Knockin, If The Patrol Car Is Rockin

Stan Hitt had no idea he had keyed the mike in his squad car.

Neither did the woman with him. Her name was Phyllis. Phyllis wore a gold chain on her right ankle and a toe ring on her left foot.

She had on platform sandals. The kind that accentuated her shapely legs. Her jeans were so tight, they made you imagine the hot skin beneath them. Her breasts pushed out the ears of her black Mickey Mouse T-shirt. I don’t have to tell you the shirt was tight too. You already have that picture in your mind.

Stan was in his light tan police uniform. Cops wore the tan in the spring and summer. In the fall and winter, officers wore their dark green uniforms in accordance with the policies of the Ocotillo Police Department.

Stan had a decent enough reputation on the force. He may not have had the ambition to rise in the department. But he was decent enough. Stan had an IQ of 148. So he certainly was smart enough to climb the ranks.

There were guys far less bright than him who made it all the way to assistant chief. The department was so big it had several assistant chiefs. But climbing the ranks didn’t interest Stan.

Phyllis was what they called a civilian employee in the records department. She was not a commissioned officer like Stan.

She liked her work. It paid the bills, but sometimes it got monotonous. Busy and monotonous would be the two words that described her work and life. Those words also explained what Phyllis was doing in Car 5096. The car had a badge on the side in black and white paint. In the badge was a drawing of a couple of skyscrapers with the sun peeking behind the buildings. There was also a cactus in the depiction because this was the desert. The dam was also in the details of the badge, because it was one of the biggest dams ever built.

Stan’s wife also worked at the police department. She was a 9-1-1 operator. She didn’t mind taking calls from people in distress. She always felt like she was doing something useful for society. She was good at her job. Her name was Gloria.

Stan and Gloria both worked dayshift. They had a good life outside of work too. They had a solid family income and benefits good enough to raise two kids.

Now Gloria never would have suspected Stan of cheating on her in 100 years. Not her husband. He would never do something like that.

But when Stan’s shoe accidentally triggered the microphone in the patrol car, it seemed like the whole police department knew about it within minutes.

In the heat of the moment and I do mean heat of the moment, Stan and Phyllis had no idea they were sharing their exploits with the world.

They say sharing is caring. But in this instance, it was anything but.

“Oh Stan it feels so fucking good,” shouted Phyllis.

She had no idea that dozens of cops and department employees were listening to her every moan.

“Stan you’re so hard.”

“How do you like the handcuffs baby.”

“I love em. Go faster. Fuck me harder.”

“Open mic,” shouted a booming voice. “Open mic on Channel 2.”

Stan didn’t heed the warning from his sergeant. He was busy after all.

“I’m coming,” screamed Stan.

And then it was over. Sgt. Smith, Stan’s immediate supervisor, found Stan and Phyllis catching their breath in front of the squad car. It’s occupants smelled of sweat and sex. The unit was parked in the corner of a busy Walmart Superstore on West Foothills Boulevard.

“Okay you two. Here’s what’s going on.”

Sgt. Smith apprised Stan and Phyllis of the shit they were in.

“Oh my God,” Phyllis said. “Stan you said no one would ever find out.”

“You two are going to have to live with the consequences as well as the hit to your reputations,” Sgt. Smith said.

Protect and Serve. That was the motto by which Stan lived. It's guys like Stan who are making America Great Again.

At this time I would like to thank the men and women of law enforcement, people like Stan and Phyliis.

Sigmund Freud, the father of psychoanalysis, said everything comes back to sex. My friend, Ramon De Leon, says that too. And he's much smarter than Freud ever was. For one thing, Ramon has a wife who is 15 years younger than him. See what I mean when I say he's smarter than Freud.

Ramon's motto is this: "Old Horses Need New Hay."

Stan was investigated by internal affairs. He was eventually given a one-week suspension for misuse of a department communications device. He couldn’t really fight the suspension. The computer system had captured everything on audio.

Bob Johnston from the police union convinced Stan not to make waves over this one. As for Stan and his wife, I never really heard.

Everyone at 9-1-1 was pretty decent. No one ever asked Gloria about it. Some things you don’t bring up in casual conversation, unless the person brings it up first.

But people at the department did talk and joke about it around Stan, but never around Gloria. Guess they felt sorry for her being married to Stan and all.

Years later when the gossip settled down, Stan took the sergeant’s exam. Did real well on the written and the oral. He ranked first on the sergeant’s list, but somehow he never got that promotion.

Stan eventually finished his career. He retired from the police department after 24 years. He took a job in security at the Hilton Hotel where he met an attractive cocktail waitress named Ercilia.