Who Going To Be Mr. America

Ladies and gentlemen and voters of all ages. Welcome to this special edition of Who’s Going To Be Mr. America.

I’m Steve Stutterer your broadcaster for this one of a kind pay-per-view event. We’re live from The Flop Theater in downtown Los Angeles.

          This bodybuilding contest is brought to you by America’s Got Talent and Wisenheimer Beer.

          Let’s bring out our contestants. Let me first introduce to you the pride of Wilmington, Delaware. The undisputed but I wouldn’t say undefeated president of the United States… Joe Biden.

          His opponent the lion of Palm Beach, Florida. The former president of the United States… Donald Trump.

          I’m joined for this telecast by someone who knows quite a bit about bodybuilding and the art of politics… Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Our referee for this evening is Frank Zane himself a former Mr. Olympia, Mr. Universe, Mr. America and Mr. Everything Else. So he’s someone who can handle these two. Let’s listen in as Frank Zane gives Biden and Trump some final instructions.

          “Okay gentlemen I went over the rules in the dressing room. I know it’s impossible for you two. But I want a clean fight. You’re both oiled up and ready ago. Let’s get it on. Strike a pose.”

Arnold what do you think we can expect tonight.

          “Well Mr. Stutterer...”

          “Please call me Steve.”

  “Steve, I think we’re in for a real treat. Both these men took their preparation for tonight very seriously. More seriously than their debates.”

          “Hey Donald, that double lat spread ain’t nothing pal. Take this.”

          Biden is hitting the side chest pose.

          “The trash talking is starting already. Joe is attacking before Donald can attack him,” says Arnold.

          “Steve Stutterer here. Sounds like a good strategy to me. Let’s listen in some more.”

          “You got zero. Zero vascularity Donald.”

          “What’s vascularity Joe.”

          “For those of you watching at home vascularity is a bodybuilding term for having many veins that are visible under the skin’s surface,” says Stutterer.

          “What too big a word for you Donald. Just like your economic policies, you’re lacking in definition,” says Joe.

Donald comes right back at him as he hits the right front biceps.

          “Remember Joe a good big man beats the little guy every time. You’re the little guy Joe. Go back to Delaware.”

          Donald is using the oldest trick in the bodybuilding playbook. He’s stepping in front of Joe.

          “Steve Stutterer here. Would you look at that. Trump has so much mass, you can’t see Biden when Trump’s in front of him.”

          “Yah. Yah,” says Arnold. “They ought to call him Little Joe.”

          Trying to get back on track Biden slides to the left to get out from behind Trump.

          “You’re a dirty trickster,” Joe whines.

          “Quit you’re whining Joe. I’m going to win tonight and I’m going to win with the voters in November.”

Biden hits the double front biceps.

          “Joes vascularity is amazing,” says Arnold.

          “Trump looks like he ate a pizza before walking on stage,” says Stutterer.

      “This event has brought out all sorts of celebrities. We have J-Lo. From the world of music there’s Taylor Swift. This event is so big, we even have some dead celebrities who have made it like movies star James Dean. He’s looking cool as ever. There’s Marilyn Monroe and Jayne Mansfield. You should see those two wiggling and jiggling down the aisle.

          “Hey Donald. Quit drooling over J-Lo. She’s not your type. Put your drool back in your mouth.”

          “Hey Joe. I didn’t know you went for hot latinas. Rock on old man.”

          “Joe and Donald are smack talking again,” says Arnold.

          “Donald you’re as bloated as your ego. You’re a disgrace to bodybuilding.”

“Man, you’re so small, Hollywood will never cast you in the Return Of Hercules,” says Trump.

          Both men are wearing mics so the audience hears every word of what they’re saying.

          “Joe you look like something I stepped in after Melania took our dogs out for a walk.”

          “Can you believe what we’re hearing and seeing,” says Arnold.

          “Not really,” says Steve. “This has to be a new low for bodybuilding and American politics.”

          “Good ratings though,” says Arnold.

          “Yeah, I heard you washed your foot off in the sink and then wiped it on the curtains,” Joe says.

Trump’s struggling to take in enough air between poses.

          “Yeah, Melania was pissed.”

          Trump looks winded. Unbelievable for a guy running for president.

          “Bodybuilding is a beauty contest for men,” says Stutterer.

“That’s a very sexist thing to say Steve. But you’re right. And both these guys are really ugly,” says Arnold.

          “That’s politically incorrect,” says Stutterer.

          “My bad,” says Arnold.

          Trump and Biden both hit the side triceps shot for the audience and judges. Trump is placing his hands on his hips.

          “In bodybuilding, placing your hands on your hips and nodding our head communicates confidence in yourself,” says Arnold.

          “It’s amazing Trump can walk around at all, given the pace of this competition. The mass of his quadriceps is staggering,” says Stutterer.

          “Trumps’ calves are big as cows and I know dairy,” says Arnold.

          Trump really looks gassed. The momentum seems to changing. Joe is hitting his poses quicker and harder than Donald. Both men are hitting the crab pose which shows off all the muscles on the front of the body.

Most politicians are crabs. Maybe that’s why these guys are hitting this pose like it’s second nature to them.”

          Both men go into the vacuum pose. This pose flexes the abdominal muscles while pulling the abdomen in toward the spine.

          “Holy cow. Would you look at that Arnold. Donald can’t do it. He’s got too much stomach to pull in,” says Stutterer.

          “You’re right Steve. Donald can’t do it. He’s running out of steam.”

          “You know that fake orange tan stuff Trump puts on his face when he knows he’s going to be on TV… well he has it sprayed on his entire body. It’s forming an orange pool of goo at his feet from the heat generated by the spotlights.”

“It looks like the beginning of the end for Trump,” says Arnold.

          Trump turns his back and grabs a Box of Dunkin Donuts. Referee Frank Zane is waving his arms indicating it’s all over. Trump refuses to congratulate Biden. Trump’s going for a piece of cheesecake.

          “What an amazing finish to what has been an entertaining night to say the least,” says Stutterer. “Arnold wait for me. I’m going to announce the winner. We’ll go get a couple of Wisenheimers once we get out of here.

          “Okay Bud. I mean Steve.”

          “Can I have a microphone please. Ladies and gentlemen. We go to the judges’ scorecards. Judge Simon Cowell has it 117-110. Judge Howie Mandel scores it 116-111. Judge Sofia Vergara scores it 115-112."

Pandemonium is breaking out on stage.

          We've got fans rushing the stage. Tons of security line the stage. The Secret Service is here to protect both contestants and their families.

“The winner and still president of the United States… Mr. America… Joooooooe Biiiiiiiiiden.”

          Donald Trump is not taking this well. His handlers and attorneys and Melania are consoling him. Trump is screaming he was robbed.

"They stole it from me again."

"This was not a fair competition."

"I know I won. Everybody knows I won."

Join us in three weeks for another super season of America’s Got Talent, even if these guys don't.

And don't forget to pick yourself up a six pack of Wisenheimer Beer for the drive home. Remember Everyone Loves A Wisenheimer.

Goodnight and good luck everybody. We're going to need it.