ASK ELON

Today we debut a new feature on Mr. Al’s Wacky World of Weirdness. It’s called “Ask Elon” I don’t know how we got him. But Elon Musk has agreed to do an advice column for you.

So without further delay, let’s get started with the first segment. Our first letter comes today from Colorado.

Dear Elon,

            I’ve been locked up in the Supermax in Florence, CO. for four years now. It gets kind of lonely here sometimes. I’d like to get the federal government to pay for my sex change surgery while I’m here. The fellers inside with me say I’d look awfully nice as a shemale. Kind of like those pretty boys from down Thailand way that you see online.

            I’m really not a bad guy. I’m not to blame for that quadruple homicide that put me here. If it hadn’t been for that 3D printer, I never would have been able to put my hands on that gun I used in the killings.

            Sincerely,

            Frank #546712

Dear Incarcerated,

I understand your frustration about being trapped in your body. I sometimes feel that way myself.

            As head of the new Department of Government Efficiency, DOGE as they call it, I’m looking to save the government money. You're not an illegal alien. Just a red-blooded American with identity issues. However, as an act of kindness, perhaps we should consider using taxpayer dollars to pay for your sexual reassignment surgery. It would be money well spent, if it cut down on prison violence.

            I talked to my partner at DOGE, Vivek Ramaswamy. Swamy, that’s what those of us who know Vivek real well call him, including President Trump. Well Swamy says if your procedure isn’t covered by Medicare, he’ll see that it is.

            Swamy and I both look forward to meeting you. Good luck with the surgery. And good job getting in touch with your inner woman.

Dear Elon,

            I am a dictator of a third world country that I don’t want to publicly name. I need funding for a new torture chamber with the latest technology. I also need more bullets for my firing squad. Please help. Also our party, the New Fascist Party of South America is in need of additional funds to rig our upcoming election next year.

Your Friend South Of The Border -Franco (Last Name Not Given)

 Dear Third World Dictator,

            The Trump administration does not support dictatorships. My Best Bruh and Leader of the Free World, The Donald, says shame on you for even asking. Just because I’m the richest man on the planet and worth 434 billion-trillion-gazillion dollars, doesn’t mean you should be hitting me up for money.

            I didn’t get to be where I am today by being generous. Now having said that, you may want to go on Shark Tank. You know that ABC reality TV show with Barbara Corcoran, Kevin O’Leary and Mark Cuban. Cuban that’s a Latin sounding name. Maybe The Donald will deport him.

            Look Corcoran is a real estate mogul. O’Leary is a venture capitalist. Cuban is a billionaire businessman, but he’s only worth $5.7 billion. O’Leary is the toughest and meanest shark. But I think you’d have a chance on Shark Tank. Afterall, they’ve never had a Latin American dictator on the show pitch them for money.

            It would make for good TV. Maybe they’d let you come on the set as The Masked Dictator since you’re concerned about people knowing who you are. But the sharks will probably want at least 30 percent of your country.

Donald and I typically require 30 percent for these kind of deals. Back in the day I used to run these kinds of deals through PayPal. Nowadays, cryptocurrency is a better option when discretion is the better part of corruption.