Hawk Tuah Comes To Campus

Among middle school boys she is all the rage.

She is the "Hawk Tuah Girl." Her real name is Haliey Welch.

In case you missed it, “hawk tuah” is an onomatopoeia for expectorating on a man’s penis during fellatio. If you’re an 8th grade dropout like me and regularly skipped English class, an onomatopoeia is a word associated with a sound.

            Now as someone who is saving himself for the afterlife, I have never enjoyed the pleasures of fellatio. But I am told that when the woman, or for that matter the man spits on it, the sound made is hardly “hawk tuah.” I understand that the gag reflex kicks in at times. But I digress.

            Then again, as evidenced by Haliey Welch, we, as a society have digressed, all of which bring us to this moment.

            Gio Lang, an oversized boy in love with being inappropriate, runs up on me on the quad.

            “Mr. George… Mr. George.”

            “Yeah Gio.”

            “Say hawk tuah.”

            “No.”

            “Say hawk tuah.”

            “No.”

            “Why not.”

            “I don’t even know what that means,” I lie.

            “It’s when a girl goes down on your thang,” the answer comes back.

            “How nice,” I say.

            “Say it then,” Gio implores me. “Say it Mr. George.”

            “No.”

Say hawk tuah.”

            Never one to be at a loss for words, Gio's classmate, Jeremiah, instantly responds.

            “Hawk tuah.”

            Spell hawk tuah, I tell the boy.

            “Oh I don’t know that.”

            “Hawk tuah… H…A…W…,” a third boy named Ian says as he tries to sound out the phrase.

            I think overnight, Haliey Welch has become the most popular girl on campus, and she doesn’t even go to school here.

We have made amazing progress in this country. Through the miracle of smartphone technology adolescents everywhere have access to girls like Haliey Welch right at their fingertips. She has advanced the national discourse beyond her years.

            It is a week before Thanksgiving and many of the boys on campus are giving thanks and praise to the "Hawk Tuah Girl."

            “Hey Gio, leave me alone the rest of the day and I’ll get you a date with the Hawk Tuah girl.”

            “Ohhh that would be fantastic Mr. George. Now say ‘nigger’ Mr. George. Say the word nigger.”

            “No.”

            “Say the word nigger.”

            “No. I have eliminated that word from my vocabulary. I don’t feel right saying it.”

            “Say it.”

            “No.”

            “Have you ever said it.”

            “Yes. In anger. It’s not something I’m proud of.”

Gio is mixed. His mother is white. His father was black. His father died when Gio was two. He was gunned down.

            Gio is about an inch from my face.

            “Say nigger.”

            “Yo breath is hot,” I tell Gio. “Go find a mint and go to class.”

            “See you later Mr. George.”

            Gio shuffles off to class in his oversized Dodger blue Nipsey Hussle t-shirt. Nipsey Hussle was a Los Angeles rap legend. He was gunned down in 2019. It’s Gio’s favorite T-shirt. He wears that shirt so often the armpits smell like an army of grilled onions.

            Haliey Welch went viral when a pop video was released of her answering a series of questions about sex.

            “What’s the one move in bed that makes a man go crazy every time?”

            In a southern twang thick as pecan pie, Haliey answers.

            “You gotta give ‘em that ‘hawk tuah’ and spit on that thang.”

            And quickly thereafter, Haliey went from being a girl who worked for minimum wage in a factory to social media fabulous and popular with middle school boys everywhere.

            Now she’s cashing in. No more minimum wage for Haliey. She has her own podcast. It’s called “Talk Tuah.”  She sells merchandise online themed on the “Hawk Tuah” phrase. She makes public appearances. She threw out the first pitch at a New York Mets game. Oh, those wild and crazy baseball fans. She has a dating app called “Pookie Tools.”

            Yup Haliey’s known as the “Hawk Tuah Girl.”  What’s she got that I don’t have anyway. Internet fame. Money. So thankful, I’m not known as the “Hawk Tuah Boy.”