Lend Me Your Ear

“Why couldn’t someone shoot off a piece of my ear. My campaign could use the boost.”

In the Situation Room, President Biden and his advisers huddle. The assassination attempt on Donald Trump has the spin doctors spinning.

“Yes Mr. President. That Donald gets all the breaks.”

        “An assassin tries to kill him and instead makes him a martyr,” President Biden opines.

        What’s an ear but a small price to pay for martyrdom and an election win.

        “We can arrange for an Army ranger sir to shoot off a piece of your ear,” an adviser tells the president.

        “Nah with my luck, he’d miss and put me out of my misery for good.

That would make at least half the country happy. And I wouldn’t have to listen to all those Brandon jokes.”

        The response from world leaders to the Trump assassination attempt is strong and swift.

        Chinese President Xi Jinping is the first to peak out.

        “Americans need to lighten up. That’s why I’m recommending all Americans take a stool softener.”

        Not to be outdone by the Chinese, Russian President Vladimir Putin chimes in.

        “In times of crisis, I eat a bran muffin. That’s my recommendation.”

Israeli Prime Minister "Bibi" Netanyahu has this to say.

"What happened in the U.S. isn't kosher."

North Korean Supreme Leader Kim Jong Un voices his love for American people.

"I'm launching the nukes now."

At Trump campaign headquarters Donald Trump says he wants the image of him triumphantly pumping his fist in the air with blood streaking down his ear and across his face to become the new visual for his campaign.

"People will rally around that image."

A Trump aide speaks up.

        “You got it Donald. We’re ordering 10 million T-shirts with that picture right now.”

        “How does my ear look. Do you think porn stars will still like me.”

        His wife Melania is reassuring.

        “Yes, they will honey. I promise you. Your ear, well it’s just a little scratch. Nothing can stop you my darling.”

        A Trump speech writer joins the discussion.

        “Sir. I have the first line of your speech for the Republican National Convention in Milwaukee. It goes like this.

        “Friends, Americans, countrymen lend me your ears. I come to bury Joe Biden. Not praise to him.”

        “Sounds good. Sounds good. I like that. Very original.”

        “Thank you sir.”

        “I like the way my right-wing supporters are blaming Biden and the radical left for inspiring this madman to try to kill me,” Trump says. “I couldn’t have planned this better myself.”

        “No sir you couldn’t have. We’re already up another three points in the polls.”

        Back at the White House, Biden is in a pensive mood.

        “Whoa is me. I feel like Eeyore from Winnie-The-Pooh.

        “What’s a Democrat got to do to catch a break.”