Live From New York It's Saturday Night

Mmm good. MMM good. That’s why Campbell Soups are Mmm good.

            Don’t worry that wasn’t the teleprompter. I was ad libbing. Jill can you bring me some more saltines for my soup. It’s just how like it. Nice and bland. Just like me.

            The special counsel says I have a failing memory. I had all these classified documents in the garage and then I forgot about them. So what. I knew where they were all along. They were next to the carton of adult diapers.

            I am not old and senile goddamn it. I’m president of the United States. I still have my original dental implants. When you’re president you get good dental care and these cool aviator glasses.

            Jill can you run out to the store and get me some more adult diapers. The kind with the Velcro strips.

“Sure no problem Joe.”

Thank you. And while you’re at it. Can you also pick up some wipes and butt paste. The chafing is terrible. Now where was I. Oh yeah the presidency. The country. Why do people mock me. I’ve never fallen down the steps of Air Force One. When’s my next press conference Jill.

“Tomorrow.”

Tomorrow. When’s that? How are we polling? What’s the name of that guy with the big mouth running against me?

“Donald Trump.”

Yeah Trump. I think I saw that name on a building somewhere. Why are they always picking on me because of my age. Trump is old too. It’s not fair. When you’re my age Metamucil is your friend.

“Joe take my cell phone. It’s encrypted. You have a call from Kamala Harris.”

Kamala Harris. Who’s that.

“Your vice president Joe. She says you’re embarrassing her.”

What does she know. She sounds like a valley girl when she talks. Why did we put her on the ticket anyway. I’ll call her back later.

“Kamala.., Joe will call you back in a bit.”

Now where were we. That’s right we were talking about the special counsel. The special counsel said something about Beau Biden.  Beau… Beau… Beau. Who was he.

“Your son.”

Thanks Jill. Sometimes I forget things. I remember now Beau died in World War Z, that Brad Pitt movie with the zombies. Zombies are a threat to our democracy along with that Trump fellow.

“Stick to the script Joe.”

Why.

“Because you’re hosting Saturday Night Live.”

I am. I didn’t know that.

Jill can you run out and get me some See’s candy. I like the toffee with the dark chocolate. It’s the best ever.

“No.”

Why not. I had a good checkup last month at the dentist. No cavities.

“Ask Frank from the Secret Service.”

Frank, can you get me the toffee. It gets stuck in my teeth, but I figure I’m entitled.

“Yes Mr. President.”

Who is this guy Al Zheimers everyone is talking about. Hey Jill. Guess what.

“What’s that Joe.”

Chicken butt. The special counsel doesn’t know the worst of it. Jill did I change my undies this morning. I can’t remember.

“Joe you’re on live TV.”

I am? Oh year. That’s right. I remember now.

“Remember what Joe?”

I did change my undies this morning. But one other thing Jill.

“Yes Joe.”

Did I change my socks too. Probably did, if I remembered to change my undies.

“You did Joe.”

Jill what did we have for breakfast?

“Fruit bowls. Yogurt, wheat toast, coffee.”

No bacon?

“No bacon.”

Yeah. It’s all starting to come back to me now. My memory is getting better. Don’t you think Jill?

Jill if I become too forgetful to make decisions as president, can you make the decisions for me?

“You mean like Edith Wilson did when Woodrow Wilson had that horrible stroke that they kept from the public in 1919 when he was president?”

Yeah that would be super. As super as the Super Bowl and that's pretty super. Was Wilson a Democrat?

“Sure was.”

Great. All the good presidents were, except for Lincoln. He was good too. Almost as good as Clinton.

“Joe you’re on live TV. The producer says it’s time to make the announcement.”

My name is… uh… Joe Biden. That’s one thing I’m sure of.

And I approve this message. I think.

“Read the teleprompter Joe.”

Live From New York… It’s Saturday Night.