Mr. Al Renames His Testicles

SPECIAL REPORT: Mr. Al is bringing you this special report from the men’s room of a bar somewhere in Caracas, Venezuela.

I am performing my monthly testicular self-exam and I’ve got to say my balls feel really good today. They’re producing lots of testosterone. That’s why I’m renaming them Donald and JD. I also hope Donald and JD (the real Donald and JD) in other words not my testicles know what that they’re doing with Venezuela.

                I support my president and vice president, but I support my own balls more. That’s why I wear compression shorts. It took big balls for Donald Trump and JD Vance to do what they did in Venezuela. They’re oily guys so I understand why they did what they did.

                The president is saying American oil companies will now invest heavily in Venezuela. Venezuela has these huge reserves of crude oil. Maybe this will help bring down the cost of gasoline in the U.S. Our president says Venezuelan President Nicolas Maduro has partnered with drug traffickers to bring tons of illegal drugs into the U.S. for years. That’s why we scooped Maduro and his wife from their house and brought them to New York.

Some day I’d like to go to Aruba. It’s supposed to be a beautiful place to vacation. Beautiful women. Gorgeous beaches. And if you can’t find a beautiful woman in Aruba, you can always do what my friend, Fred Chilito, does. He flies in a hot twenty-something-year-old woman from Columbia every year that he finds on the Internet.

                “Their skin is so soft Mr. Al.”

                “I’m married Fred. I can’t do what you do. My wife is Puerto Rican and has a volcanic temper.”

                “Just don’t tell her.”

                “I just can’t Fred. She’s already mad at me for renaming my testicles Donald and JD. She hates Donald Trump.”

Aruba is about 15 miles off the coast of Venezuela. In some spots 30 miles. It's one of those exotic spots on God's green Earth.

                My wife’s daughter, Erica, and her husband, Steve, went to Aruba for their honeymoon. They had a great time. Erica and Steve live in a small town outside Philadelphia. They're Trump supporters. My wife, however, is already mad at me because of what I now call my balls.

                “Que te pasa pendejo? What is wrong with you?”

                “It took big balls for Trump and Vance to do what they did in Venezuela honey. And Pete Hegseth too. He’s Trump’s secretary of war.”

                “Grandes testiculos. Pero sin cerebros. Big balls, but no brains. And Pete Hegseth. Nunca confies en un hombre que tiene un corte de pelo que parece el tresero de un pato. Never trust a man who has a duck’s ass for a haircut.”

                “Yes dear.”

                You can tell who wears the pants in my house. My testicle, the one called Donald, is bigger than the one called JD. I guess that’s why they’re lopsided. Like me they’re unbalanced.  I like to think of them as bipartisan as opposed to liberal and conservative.

I thought about calling one of my nutsacks Melania, after The First Lady. But I concluded a testicle should have a man's name. That's why I decided on JD.

If I had three balls, I'd name the third one Hegseth. Hegseth would be a unique name for a nut sack. But like most men I only have two testicles.

I did not make the decision to rename my testicles lightly. I put much thought into it. It weighed heavily on my mind. It was not a decision made in haste.

                By renaming them, I’m just doing my part as a patriot to make America great again. So maybe my testicles are MAGA. Maybe I can get Donald and JD to autograph them. God, I hope my wife doesn’t leave me. I may have to spend the rest of my life in this Caracas hellhole of a bathroom.