Oh No! I Forgot My DUDE WIPES

Okay it’s time to take out that stick stuck up your ass. It’s time to get down and dirty. Time for some bathroom humor for all you sophisticates with the high-brow scorn.

If you’re not in the bathroom, go find one and go inside. Look at the photo to the left. That’s me playing Game Of Thrones. That’s me holding a pack of DUDE WIPES.

There are these dudes from Chicago who came up with DUDE WIPES. If these guys can make money off DUDE WIPES, then they deserve to be millionaires. DUDE WIPES are basically butt wipes for men. We've all known people over the years who were butt wipes. Even had a few bosses who were butt wipes. So we're all experts on the subject.

These Chicago dudes found that baby wipes were better than toilet paper for messy situations.

They started selling DUDE WIPES out of their spare bedroom. Now they’re laughing all the way to the bank.

I just about wet my pants laughing when my son Alfred’s friend, Nic, walked into the house with several packages of the wipes. I looked at the name and could hardly control myself.

I picked up the package and started ad libbing. I had Nic start shooting a video of me doing an ad for DUDE WIPES.

The company’s motto is: “Best Wipe Pants Down.” I don’t know if I agree with them. But they’re right when they say wet cleans better. You can buy DUDE WIPES at Walmart, Target, any Kroger store and of course order them online at Amazon. So I got me some.

You have your choice between fragrance free and Mint Chill.  They’re 35 percent larger than your average wipe. They say they’re the Number One Choice for A Number Two Situation. How clever.

They’re made with 99 percent water and plant based ingredients like aloe vera to soothe your tender biscuits.

Nic swears by them and of course he swears without ‘em. You can even buy single DUDE WIPES. You stick the package in your back pocket. Of course, then everybody will see a package sticking out the back of your trousers that says DUDE WIPES. Maybe that’s part of their marketing plan. Free advertising.

During UFC 174, DUDE WIPES trended worldwide on Twitter after sponsoring fighter Tyron Woodley. Their logo went on Tyron’s trunks. Good thing they didn’t put their logo on his butt and make him fight naked. I couldn’t have handled that.

Not surprisingly the name of the company that markets the butt clears is Dude Products. They came up

with a way better motto than the one I would have chosen. Ass Wipes For People Who Are Total Assholes.

Can you imagine the test trial for DUDE WIPES. I mean where do you do test trials for a product like that. Do you do it at the colon hydrotherapy clinic. Do you do it in the spare bedroom of your Chicago apartment that you share with three other dudes.

The guys from Dude Products got a huge financial boost in 2015 when they appeared on the reality television program Shark Tank. One of the Sharks, Mark Cuban invested $300,000 for a 25 percent stake in the company.

I wonder if any of the Sharks would want to invest in this blog. It makes no money. Think of the lousy writing and poor taste that could be spread throughout the world, if I had the financial support of one of the Sharks.

Have you ever watched that television show, Naked And Afraid. The premise of Naked And Afraid is to see how long a dude and a dudette can survive 21 days in a remote location without bringing clothes, food and water. That’s why they’re naked and afraid.  A lot of people love that show. I don't have enough confidence to walk around the house naked when no one is home. Forget about walking around naked in some jungle with large animals. snakes, crocodiles and all sorts of critters. 

All the participants on that show could use DUDE WIPES. Have you ever noticed how the producers of that show never show the participants relieving themselves.

They just show them starving and being bitten by thousands of mosquitos or eating something tasty as insect larvae. So what would be the big deal about showing participants using DUDE WIPES. They could fuzz out their privates like they already do for the show.

What I like about Dude Products is they’re promoting a bathroom product using bathroom humor.

And who doesn’t like a good bathroom joke. Well not my buddy Mike Goodman from Arlington, Virginia. He's one of those high brow people I talked about at the start of the story.

And probably not people who attend the opera regularly. Probably not people who go to the symphony and have the music of Richard Wagner playing on their iPhone, iPad, Apple Watch and stereo. Wagner was Hitler's favorite composer. As you can imagine Wagner's music is hardly cheerful.

If you're Catholic, your priest probably doesn't go for a good bathroom joke. Maybe privately he does, but he’ll never admit it. That’s why your priest goes to confession too. People who do the New York Times crossword puzzle every day probably feel under-stimulated by a good bathroom joke.

The other day I couldn't find my wipes. I was so desperate to find them, I asked my digital assistant Siri, if she knew where I put them.

"Sorry ass-wipe. I can't help you."

Really Siri?

"Really."

Thank you Siri.

"You're welcome."

God I love technology. Just like my poops, DUDE WIPES are made here in the good ole USA. That’s right the United States of America. What a country. And who says we don't make anything worthwhile any more in the U.S. It says right here on the package of DUDE WIPES I'm looking at right now, that whether it's the unexpected aftermath of that lunchtime burrito, or some unexpected physical activity (does anyone know what that even means), DUDE WIPES are the answer.

The wipes won’t solve all of life’s problems.  They can’t wipe out Donald Trump. They won’t wipe out inflation. Can’t make mean people nice. They can't eliminate any odors associated with having consumed the aforementioned footlong burrito.

When my breath’s a little off and I’m out of Icebreakers wintergreen mints, I chew on a a little piece of a mint chill DUDE WIPES. Now kids don’t try that at home or anywhere else for that matter.

Women can use DUDE WIPES too. Might come in handy for a woman with a big culo. Strong enough for a man. Gentle enough for a woman. In the interest of equal rights, maybe they should call them DUDETTE WIPES.

I've just mentioned DUDE WIPES 19 times in this blog. I'm hoping Dude Products sends me free samples.