Only 179 School Days Left

                Note To Readers: What follows is a work of fiction.

There’s this kid who comes up to my chest. For the purposes of this story, let’s call him Stretch. He’s showing off for a girl he’s with and a couple of friends.

           He finds it amusing to mess with the old man posted outside the front door of this fine institution of learning. Welcome to Good Times Middle School.

           “Cuh… open the door. I need to go inside,” Stretch tells me.

             “Why do you need to go inside. It’s 7:30. The door opens at 7:45,” I tell Stretch.

              “Cuh… I told you to open the door.”

              “No,” I say. “By the way, I didn’t know we were cuh-sins.”

              Cuh is a slang expression lots of kids use these days. Kind of like dude or man. They’re being cool when they use it. You can only use it, if you’re cool. If you’re not cool, don’t use it.  You know what I mean… cuh.

                And that’s how my school year starts. Can you feel the love and respect cuh? I’m letting parents right and left into the school. They’ve waited till the first day of school to get their kids registered.

Stretch and his entourage sneak past while I’m unlocking the front door for a bunch of these parents. Within minutes Stretch and his buddies cause enough trouble to get kicked back outside and have to wait with everybody else. One step forward. One hundred steps back. That’s school sometimes.

           I think Stretch and I are going to have a wonderful relationship this year. I’m a campus security monitor and as such get to specialize in kids like Stretch. They’re so respectful and true to their school.

            I think if Bruce Springsteen came to my school, he would write a song about it. Call it “Jungleland.”

             Stretch definitely has what it takes to succeed in politics. He’s very pushy. Mouthy obviously. Who knows maybe the Democrats will run Stretch for president in about 30 years.

                The Democratic Party has been floundering for a long time now. Having trouble finding its identity. The party needs a new voice. A new face. I think Stretch could be it.

                One other thing I’m noticing cuh… is that some of the water fountains have never been fixed in the eight years I’ve worked at this school. So glad we have a new superintendent of schools. She’s doing a fine job. And it’s been a couple of years since they fixed the metal hook to hold open the front door. Guess it’ll be a few more years till they get to it.

                And the blue plastic barricades we set up outside the cafeteria, so the kids line up in a straight line for lunch, are splattered with pigeon droppings. No one has bothered to clean them, and I have to set them up right now and don’t have gloves. In the right hands pigeon droppings are a delicacy. Right up there with my other favorite. Bat guano.

The air conditioning isn’t working in parts of the school. It’s 109 degrees outside. So glad I live in the Desert Southwest where they start school in early August. I have complete confidence the repairman with the black gauges the size of hula hoops in his ears will get the AC working before my armpits smell like the onions on the grill at my favorite Chicago hot dog place.

          Everybody has superheroes and Ear Gauge Man is my superhero. I wonder if Ear Gauge Man would get mad if I stuck my index finger in one of his holes. Yeah, I think he would. I think he’d bite off my finger. He looks mean.

           We really set the bar high in American education between the rigorous academic standards and our decaying school buildings.

                I think we’re off to a good start this year. What do you think folks? On the bright side, we didn’t have a school shooting today. Not even a fight. Didn’t confiscate any drugs. No one overdosed. Not too many kids sent to the dean’s office. I didn’t lose my temper and body slam any kids who pissed me off. Didn’t go Hulk Hogan on their ass.

                And to think there’s only 179 more days to go in the 2025-2026 school year.