POST MALONE I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER

Lately I’ve been obsessed with the singer Post Malone. He’s the troubadour with the tattoos all over his face and the nasty grillwork in his mouth.

                I bet Austin Richard Post (that’s his real name) would be pissed at me for referring to him as a bard and a poet. Probably ruin his image.

                For years I didn’t give Post’s music a try because of his image. I mean all those tattoos and rancid looking teeth. He has worse looking teeth than George Washington and we all know his teeth were wooden. Jeez, I wonder how he ever dealt with the splinters. Shame on me, for judging Post by his appearance. Just goes to show you can’t judge a book by its cover.

                Post’s music crosses all genres. It’s amazing. I’m an old guy. Grew up on The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, Motown and I find myself drawn to Post Malone. I’ve been Googling everything I can about him. I haven’t been this obsessed since that Bruce guy from Freehold, New Jersey, shouted something about tramps like us being born to run.

                Post was born in Syracuse, New York. That’s where he’s from. Some of my best friends are from or spent a good chunk of their lives in Syracuse. There’s Pat O’Toole, who to this day lives in Syracuse. There’s Geoff Lindsay who grew up there. There’s Walt Wasilewski, more widely known as The Professor, God rest his soul. There’s John Doherty, the newsman.

All these guys I know from Syracuse and not one of them had to engage in facial self-mutilation to make it in this world. What’s the world coming to when people have to mutilate themselves, so they’re heard and seen Post. Okay, I get it. I get it. The tattoos and the grillwork are a form of self-expression, just like your music.

                But Post I sure as shit am glad, I don’t have your dental bills. I know insurance doesn’t cover that shit. And your tattoo artists, each of those guys must drive a Bentley. For crying out loud Post, you’ve got over 100 tattoos, many of which are on your face, neck and hands.

                I don’t know who’s uglier Post. You or that Jelly Roll guy. He’s got a lot of tattoos too. I got that country song you did with Jelly Roll streaming right now. The one called “Losers.”  I sure relate to it. It feels like it’s about me.

God what a great song. You may have more ugly tattoos than Jelly Roll, but I bet his tattoos weigh more than yours.

                I bet some of Jelly Roll’s body illustrations even make you a little jealous. Why he’s even got one of baby smoking a blunt.

                I read online somewhere that when you got the “Always Tired” tattoo on your face, it felt like getting poked in the eye. Glad you enjoyed it.  I don’t think Elvis would have enjoyed the success he had, if he had been marked up like you. Hollywood probably wouldn’t have used him in all those movies. He definitely wouldn’t have gotten to dance on screen with Ann Margret in “Viva Las Vegas.”

And Post I you have an amazing assortment of weaponry tattalia as well. I appreciate your support of our right to bear arms. God bless the Second Amendment and your support of it.

                But credit where credit is due Post. Because of you I now know what the word fortnight means. I never knew until I listened to your song “Fortnight.” Kind of a romantic song you did with Taylor Swift.

I don’t know Post. What have you ever done, that I haven’t. Okay. Sing with Taylor Swift.  At least I don’t have to worry about her boyfriend, Travis Kelce, breaking me in two. And by the way a fortnight is two weeks. That’s 14 days. See I’m getting adjudicated all the time. I mean educated. You know learning new things.

I’m not impressed Post. You got two billion streams on Spotify for the song “Rockstar.” Big deal. That’s only two billion more than I got. I bet you lived that song really happened. Well, at least I get to live vicariously through your songs Post.

                And how did you come up with that song “White Iverson." All about swaggin and ballin.

That song is like you are reading my mind. Allen Iverson is like my favorite basketball player of all time. Like yo, he had his own style. But where do you get off singing a song like that. I bet Allen Iverson would kick ‘yo ass in a game of H-O-R-S-E. I bet he’d break yo’ ankles. He’d beat you with his shooting hand handcuffed to a patrol car.

            I thought about getting a couple of diamonds in my teeth like you have Post. But I’m too cheap. But if I do get some dental diamonds, who do you recommend for the job? Who’s your dentist? Who’s your jeweler? What happens if the diamond falls out and you swallow it by accident?

                How many grillz you got Post? I bet with yo’ money you got dozens of grillz. Popping them in and out of your mouth mid song when you’re in concert. I got grillz too. One on the top. Another on the bottom. They be called dentures. I buy Polident by the case.

                I got it all over you Post. Man I‘m taking you off da playlist.