The Metamorphosis Of Donald Trump

This Guy Grabbed So Much He Turned Into One

Hello everybody. Thank you for tuning in to FOX News for this live broadcast from my home at the Mar-a-Lago Club in Palm Beach, Florida. I love it down here. Even if Ron DeSantis, that bastard, is governor of this great state.

     Have you guys ever read The Metamorphosis by Kafka. I haven’t. I was hoping you could read it to me. I hear it’s about a guy who wakes one day from a bad dream and finds he’s turned into this monstrous insect. Now obviously that doesn’t apply to me. Why? I’ll tell you why. Because I’ve turned into a cat.

     I woke up this morning. I go to the bathroom and I can’t use the toilet. These paws couldn’t lift the toilet seat. And at my age, a guy’s got to go a lot. So that’s a real problem.

     I had the servants run out and get me a litter box. Melania refuses to clean it. She’s such a stuck-up bitch. And I ain’t doing it. I’m Donald Trump. I invented the art of the deal. I was president of the You-Nited States of America, the greatest nation on earth. The good ‘ole USA.  No way I’m cleaning the litter box.

     If God is going to turn me into a cat, why can’t he give me opposable thumbs. For crying out loud and I do cry out loud a lot, he gave monkeys opposable thumbs. Why not cats. I’m a cool cat. Don’t you think.

How am I gonna send out those inaccurate vicious Tweets I’m famous for. Oh and yeah, they tell me Twitter is now something called X. Whatever.

     Since the swamp people in the Capitol are doing everything in their power to keep me from reclaiming the White House, I’m going to form my own party. I’m going to call it… I’m going to call it… The Opposable Thumbs Party. Since my life would be a lot easier if I had opposable thumbs, I think that’s a great name for a new political party. Lots of people would support a third major political party. Teddy Roosevelt had the Bull Moose Party and he wasn’t even a moose.

Cats can make America great again you know! The thing with being a cat though, is this. The food stinks. I mean it literally stinks. You know. It stinks the way cat food out of a can stinks. My whiskers literally curl up when I eat the stuff. We really need to pass legislation forcing pet food companies to improve the quality of cat food. The food at the White House is way better. That’s why I want to get back there.

     Life is so absurd. One day you’re president. Then one day you’re purring, searching for acceptance. But I’m not going to give up.

      I mean look at me in this Brooks Brothers suit. It’s been said that the clothes make the man.  Well, they also make the cat. I’m a feline fashion plate. Check out these cuff links.

     I’m not going to let my current situation, or all those lawsuits, criminal investigations and the possibility of prison time get me down. Not me buddy. I’m not going to isolate myself from the world because of my condition. I’m no fraidy cat. I’m going to beat this thing.

Oh shit. Here comes Melania. And she’s got a dog. That bitch. Am I being catty calling her a bitch. I don’t think so. You know she married me for the money. Everybody knows that. Like I say, everybody knows she’s a bitch.

     But right now, that bitch has got an angry German Shepherd at the end of a leash. Since when, did Melania become a dog lover. I thought only Major Loser Joe Biden was a dog lover. Biden’s so un-American his commie dog snarls and nips at the Secret Service.

      Shit. Melania’s German Shepherd is growling at me. I knew Melania would get back at me for banging that porn star. I better get out of here before Melania “sics” that killer canine on me.

     Maybe I can hide under the couch. Nah. That isn’t going to work. I’m the biggest cat in the history of fat cats. Maybe I can call the North Koreans for help. I’m friends with Kim Jong Un.

     “Here kitty kitty. Here Donald. Come to mommy. Here kitty kitty.”

     That’s Melania. She’s getting closer. You hear her. I better get out of here while I can.

      Doesn’t she appreciate all I do for my country. I should be elected just on the basis of my work on The Apprentice TV show. And that’s not counting all the kudos I got for the January 6th riot at The Capitol.

       Good night. And one other thing… MEOW.