The TikTok Toilet Challenge

Author’s note: This story and the characters in it are a work of fiction.

Johnny Horseraditch is feeling his oats. So is his buddy and partner in crime Tommy Snickerbocker.

It’s known as the Dookie Lick aka The TikTok Toilet Challenge. 

     So, Johnny and Tommy bring in a third accomplice. Petey “The Catastrophe” Johnson. Petey’s nickname fits him well, even if he doesn’t always get the spelling right. Spelling is not Petey’s strong suit. But pranks are.

“Okay boys we’re going to need a lookout. Tommy can you be our lookout.” Johnny says.

“Sure.”

“Because if we get caught, we’ll be in big trouble. We’ll be grounded for life.”

“Grounded for life?” Petey asks. Can parents even do that? So, what is it we’re going to do? Can I go to jail for it?”

“You’re either all in or all out.”

“I’m in. I’m in. Get to the point already.”

“If we pull this off right, this is going to be the ultimate devious lick.”

Devious lick is the term kids use when they’re about to do something very naughty. The more devious the better.

“We’re going to take some laxative when we get home tonight. Tomorrow be ready to poop. Then we’re going to smear our dookie everywhere in the bathroom.

“That’s the TikTok Toilet Challenge. I’m not putting my hands on no poop. I always said you were messy Johnny. But this will make you the messiest ever,” says Tommy.

“You don’t grab the poop with your hands, you idiot. You grab it using one of those brown paper towels from the paper dispenser. You know the paper the kids use to dry their hands when they’re done in the bathroom,” says Johnny.

Monday came and went. Just the normal school mischief.

On Tuesday, Johnny instructs Tommy and Petey to take some laxatives before they go to bed.

On Wednesday during second period, Johnny texts the guys to meet in the 700 Hall bathroom.

Johnny drops his pants and fills the toilet. He wipes his skinny butt then grabs a paper towel. He uses the paper towel to scoop a turd out of the bowl. Then he rubs it all over the wall next to the urinals.

“Your turn Tommy.”

Tommy retreats to a toilet. Using a couple of paper towels he scoops out two turds. He smashes them in the sink and rubs them all over everything. At that precise moment Juan Gomez, the largest kid at Todos Los Santos Middle School walks in the bathroom. Tommy tells Juan he can’t come in. Juan pushes him out of the way. Juan is way bigger than Petey. No one at school messes with Juan because of his size.

“What the fu……..,” Juan says.

“Don’t tell on us. Promise Juan,” Johnny says. He’s pleading. He’s desperate.

“Tell. Are you kidding. Let’s hit another bathroom. I got to take a dump anyway. I’ll pinch out a log and you guys do your thing.”

“I’ll be the lookout. And believe me nobody will get by.” says Juan.

Johnny not being one to let a good poop joke go to waste asks Juan if he’ll help with the “smear campaign.”

“Hell no. I never get my hands dirty. I’m going to leave the actual smear campaign to you.”

Heh. Heh Heh. These guys are laughing like Beavis and Butthead.

So off, Juan, Johnny, Tommy and Petey go. They trash a second boys’ bathroom.

My name is Bill Shelf. I’m a campus security monitor at Todos Los Santos Middle School. That’s Spanish for All The Saints.

“Look at this mess. Disgusting. I got to report this.”

There are no cameras in the bathrooms. So, there’s no footage of who did it. The cameras in the halls don’t tell us much. Not having a ballpark idea of when the devious lickers struck, it’s impossible to determine who is responsible.

It’s not like they’re going to admit to it. And no one is going to snitch on them. The mafia with its code of omerta is nothing compared to the middle school code of silence.

The principal, Phyllis Castro, doesn’t believe me as I tell her what happened. Ms. Castro is a distant cousin of the former Cuban strongman Fidel Castro.

“How do you know it’s real and not some brownie that some kid smeared on the wall,” Ms. Castro asks me.

“You can smell it,” I says to Ms. Castro. And like my daddy used to say, bless his soul. If it smells like shit, it probably tastes like shit.

“Don’t tell me you tas……”

I cut Ms. Castro off before she can finish her sentence. I go and get one of those little white plastic spoons from the cafeteria.

“I’ll get a little sample and send it off to Cologuard. I’ve got a Cologuard kit at home. At least we’ll know if it’s human.”

“I don’t think that’s necessary Mr. Bill,” Ms. Castro says.

“Just trying to be thorough in my investigation mam.”

“No worries Mr. Bill. Just let the custodians know. So, they can clean it up. And let’s keep all the bathrooms locked for now. No one goes in the bathrooms without an escort.”

“Yes mam.”

“And Mr. Bill what happened to that spoon I saw you with.”

“Don’t worry mam. I used it to get a sample of the substance in question. But I guess I’ll throw it out now.

“But to be honest with you, I did toy with the idea of putting it back in the cafeteria with all the other plastic spoons in the utensil dispenser just to mess with the kids.”

“I don’t think that would be a good idea Mr. Bill.”

“No, I guess not.”

As far as I know this is the first time this prank has ever been done in the history of Todos Los Santos Middle School. Johnny, Tommy and Petey with a little help from Juan have managed to pull it off. Only I don’t know it was them. What I do know is that they’re a bunch of fecal freaks. Twenty years from now they’ll be inducted into the Devious Licks Hall of Fame.

I didn’t think much of those climate change protesters who tossed soup on the Mona Lisa at the Louvre Museum in Paris. And I don’t think much of these kids reaching into the toilets and spreading their disgust… all over the sinks and walls. All of which goes to show the bad side of social media and the state of education in America. But what do I know. I’m just a hall monitor.

If they had a Devious Licks Hall of Fame, 20 years from now these kids would be shoe-ins.

“We pulled it off. Nobody knows it was us,” Johnny tells Tommy.

“That’s what sucks about it,” Petey says. “We can’t tell anyone.”

“I want to put up a post on Instagram about what we did.”

“You do that stupid and we all get busted,” Juan tells them.

The custodians, Red and Carlos, clean the bathrooms. Ms. Castro feels bad about putting the custodians through that.

          The next day she orders all the campus security monitors to escort any student who must use the bathroom on a one-on-one basis. It’s a pain in the ass. But we do it. There are no more incidents on campus.

          Our educational system has come a long way since my day. No one can say these kids don’t give a shit about school.

          As dumb as Johnny, Tommy, Petey and Juan are, I wouldn’t say they’re any more misguided than those yay-hoos who threw soup on the Mona Lisa. The Mona Lisa is still smiling. Thanks to the protective glass that protects her. Who knows. Next year, Johnny, Tommy, Petey and Juan may graduate to bigger things. Bigger devious licks.

          Command a fire truck and spray the White House with mashed potatoes and gravy. Steal an Apache helicopter and cover the Washington Monument with a giant condom. There’s no limit to what they can achieve.