Will Rogers Speaks To The Great Normal Majority

Howdy folks, this is Will Rogers. Yeah, the Will Rogers.

                I speak now to the GREAT NORMAL MAJORITY. Now I know many of you have forgotten about me. And even more of you have no idea who I am. Can’t blame you. I died in 1935 in a plane crash.

                But if I were alive today, I’d still be telling jokes and doing rope tricks. Bet Donald Trump can’t do no rope tricks. Bet Gavin Newsome can’t do ‘em good as me. The only lasso tricks Republicans and Democrats can do is to rope you into voting for them.

                You know for years I was the most popular commentator in America. Heck, probably the world. I am not a member of an organized political party. I’m a Democrat.  That was one of my favorites and most popular jokes. Everyone laughed at that one. It’s as true today as it was in my day.

In fact, I think the Democratic Party needs rebranding. A name change would do it good. Maybe call itself The Diddy Party. Change its mascot from the donkey to a bottle of baby oil. That would be more appropriate. Politicians are kind of O-I-L-Y, if you know what I mean. Real S-L-I-C-K.

                Besides that, the Democratic donkey looks more tired than Eeyore from Winnie The Pooh. There’s already enough perpetual pessimism and gloom in the world. We don’t need more. And the elephant in the room squished the donkey in the last presidential election. Just sat on him and splat he went.

                Maybe instead of an election they’ll have the candidates hold a freak-off party like P Diddy. Whoever throws the best party wins.

                All this talk about freak-offs and baby oil is making me blush like a country boy in the big city.

Times have changed. I used to start off my act by telling people all I know is what I read in the papers. Now I tell them all I know is what I see on social media.

                I joked about every prominent man in my lifetime, but I never met one I didn’t like. No, I mean it. I never met a man I didn’t like. Guess that’s why people thought I was a decent feller. Here let me show you another rope trick while I’m at it. I used to do these rope tricks on the vaudeville circuit. Aw heck. I bet you don’t even know what I’m talking about. Do ya?

                You people are always bashing each other. So quick to criticize the other feller. I don’t get it. You’re all so strident. You guys keep it up and pretty soon every politician everywhere will have an OnlyFans porno page.

                Golly gee willikers we didn’t have stuff like that in the 19^th century. My goodness, times have changed.

Have you ever taken a close look at just how ugly some of our representatives in Washington are? The last thing I want to see is them all naked on my phone, laptop and computer. Hell no! What’s wrong with you people? You into projectile vomiting or something. If you are, let me know so I can duck. Now you probably don’t know this about me, but I was born on Election Day. If you don’t believe me, look it up. I was born November 4, 1879 in Indian territory in Oklahoma.

                My mom couldn’t vote, so she had me instead. Women didn’t get the right to vote until 1920. Can you believe that? My dad was Cherokee too. I was a registered citizen of the Cherokee Nation and a proud American. Still am. So, if anyone has a right to make jokes about politics, I figure it’s me.

                I remember back in 1905. You remember 1905? Nah. Guess you weren’t around back then. That’s okay. I was performing at Madison Square Garden. A wild steer broke out of the arena and started climbing into the stands. People were mighty scared. They started scattering like horseflies. So, I roped that steer to the delight of the crowd and saved the day.

I’d like to see one of your newfangled presidents do that some time. Hey, let me show you another rope trick.

                I reckon I was the first superhero. Maybe Marvel Studios will put me in one of them superhero movies. I used to live in Claremont, Oklahoma. They call me “Oklahoma’s Favorite Son.” That’s very nice of them. Now I live in Heaven. Nice place. And I gotta tell you, it’s one tough city to get in to. It’s very exclusive. They don’t just take anybody, so I’m on Cloud Nine.

    Now that other city down under. The one called Hell. I know you’ve heard of it. That city is so crowded, because so many people have no choice but to go there. They had to build a bigger airport to accommodate all the new arrivals. Guess that’s where they came up with the saying, this place is crowded as Hell.

I’m not complaining, but sometimes things get a little dull in Heaven. We don’t have politics up here. I kind of miss making jokes about all things political. We won’t have anything to truly laugh about until the 2028 presidential election. We’ll be overdue for a good comedy by then.

                The Lord tells me he would never run for president of the United States. He says politics is a contact sport. I understand that Lord, but why not run for president? You’d be a good one. It’s got be easier than being The Creator. He told me when you’re president, the devil is in the details.

                Well, I gotta go now. And I mean right now. The Lord is calling me. And he’s not someone you want to upset by being late. Take my word for it. You’ll find out for yourselves soon enough.